Tomorrow Thursday 5.2.26!

Haha. Then after that it's Friday, Saturday and Sunday to go through, I will have 3 rest days before the 3rd Jobclub working day. When I close my eyes I saw a big head rambut perang, schizophrenia gives me vision that I don't understand, maybe it's not the medicine but really schizophrenia, because without it my vision is even worse I see things that's not around, I think I can even remember the past like in my vision too, I wonder if I can remember examinations like that 1 day it would be cool, I really want a strong memory like seeing images of what I learnt, it's like remembering formula.

I wonder if I can really do it to become a Psychologist, I know I need to learn Psychology to counter my schizophrenic mind, then the physical pain exist is it maybe due to love sick about (S) or the catatonia? I really don't know I feel if have a painkiller would be nice too, I still haven't asked my mother for lorazepam like I planned to, means I haven't taken sleeping pill for so long but only melatonin. I know I would start asking once my melatonin bottle is empty, because my mother holds the doctor's prescribed melatonin and lorazepam.

Right now Anaqi my nephew is having tuition I wonder why only Malay Subject because he speaks English, but others should be more important then it's February I guess my brother didn't apply for him other subjects.

My life is really different, I am like suddenly uncle of teenagers(my other nephews) that they suddenly grow up when I remember them when they were younger, it's really weird memory, I really loss my memory and alot of it too. I wonder how if I'm in love with (S) then I have schizophrenia it would be so difficult to tell her I love her, but I successfully have told many times I think, I'm lucky that I have told and remember(but late) it, I only need to do that because it's real love I feel the impact should be positive but then when she tunang my future like crushes I really don't know what to do in future if I don't have her, the imagination of love would change and I wonder how to recover from it, maybe I would die from lovesickness I think but she don't care about it, her actions speaks it, because she tunang with monkeyface at that time and now I'm just living by assumption she's not married without news that she's not, it's really hopeless.

I have schizophrenia, difficult to work, I'm a shy guy, and I kept losing memory in the past - the ways of my life it's impossible to get her, even my education is low standard. I really don't know what I'm feeling now only just wanting her then she's giving me no responses and ever negative expression - tunang with monkeyface. Imagining kisses and hugs is painful but I have to feel the pain from her, she really have pained me but I still love her, it's weird this love, why it didn't go away? Why do I love someone that don't care about me?