Big stress

The day is coming soon, but it feels like it's already ending, the end of pain already happen when I start working, then the end of pain from having no money haven't ended yet, wonder whats taking so long for me to be given money by my mother, it's still the same anyway if she give me some money if giving me $10K anyway, I really have to wait for it.

Waiting for a job is still actually 1 mth later, tomorrow is only 19th February, mid March is the moment the O.T said, I really don't know what to do for now, just now it was scary how it feels lonely and bored, maybe like stuck in my heart, I imagine TikTok and Facebook videos then all the way the same feelings over and over, I really have nobody supporting my life. I really don't understand this phase of life of having to endure, it's like not needed, the pain is definitely a created thing, I wouldnt have been in pain if I just received money from my mother, somehow they're just insisting as having no money I think, my mother always at room anyway and I can't ask her about money, why is it like that?

My life is so hard when it don't have to be hard, schizophrenia is the fault but they like torturing me instead, why is it so unfair I have to endure all this at my age?

I'm not knowing who reads but having 5 readers only last 2 views, I wonder what it means or if priority by number of reads why is it not important then?

I still want to search for jobs but android way of saving sometimes cant delete off the names it's weird I wonder why it's like that, I'm really trying to work but my life path been decreased to only 1 way and it is jobclub, wonder why it's like that, why the system is slow too that it becomes enduring life?

Tomorrow I work and I need some energy to carry on, I don't know why the happiness or excitement is not living up, I feel like a dead life already as fact, I wonder why people are like this to me too, my mother definitely avoiding me from topic of $10K and I have to endure the moment of having no money, I really want to buy games but my mother said I'm too old, I asked her yesterday I think, I really need to catch up what I missed for 16 years, it's too long already.

I want to give up on girls but songs really make me think of the girls over and over again, I really don't know what to do, I bought Radio to listen to Gold F.M in room but my body don't feel good resting in room, I just feeling my living room most of the time, I don't know why I can't sleep in the day and only at night and wakes up to pee at middle of the night, I really don't know how to get a good sleep and keep using melatonin most of the time.

There's really no way for an ease into a nicer life, it feels like nobody talks to my parents about money and not helping me at all, it's really crazy to imagine 6 months+ out of ward and not given money but only by government, I wonder why it's like that. My mother always solat, read Quran again just now then I have no chance to talk about money. Life is really crazy for me now I feel ignored and don't have the proper main need of help as topic to think about in my life, people just not living up the topic and leave me stress all alone.