I thought quite long and it will be hard, to live like (S) don't care about me and as nobody is helping me get her, to live like she never will be mine, I wonder if I can do it. To consider (W) and (A) as long gone like they don't care about me too, and will never have them as my wife too. It's reality that's like this, and I have no power to change it because they have decided to be this way.
I will consider Hacker Job and Soldier Job as just a dream conversation then just live slowly until next year to take my O-levels and try to become good in Psychology, just because I have mental sickness. I'm thinking why I live without support of anyone, it's like my parents promoting me to keep thinking of my adopted parents and about money, I wonder why they make me think of money so much.
It's hard to believe doctor now that I will become a Hacker, Soldier, Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Medicine Expert, at what age? 41 or 42? Aren't I too late as fact? I really just been wanting to become a Psychologist to become a Psychic then to get (S) to support her mentally as I read girls need psychological support, then I can't get her as the clear fact of life. Life doesn't go with true love, even if true love we don't get what we want, we don't get the person we in true love with, it's not like a movie or drama, that everything is so wonderful because it's true love, mines like a 1-sided Romeo and Juliet that it is true love but I'm the only one in love. I can't believe doctor easily it's 17 November 25 she love me because it could be words of small girl lying to me, I really just can't get her love. I wish she feel a life of not receiving my efforts anymore, like Psychics appearing to stabilize her feelings, then feel how important my decisions are in her life, like don't feel my effort anymore for 1 day or 1 week, means she's got to know people for more than 10 years then suddenly everyone is gone not caring about her anymore, I wonder how her life will become? Will she become a ruined woman, with child that will become Wali Allah at older age? Now I'm closing to 38 and not Wali Allah maybe her son will be 45-50 then a Wali Allah? Means she's maybe a grandmother with her lover 1 day anyway to imagine my life as had become like this instead?
Wonder why my family are so heartless to not help me about her, even something for me to be happy about is not given to me, I have to live in endurance and alot of thinking, I'm not peaceful at all, everyday it's like this I don't know how to live well in life, the anger got me wanting to smoke again and again, they only know how to make me angry secretly like I don't have love of a family.
Schizophrenia recovery can't be sudden, I still have to experienced a life moment of being spiked then feelings unnaturally in pain from the spike and mental problem from the spike, I thought I became nice person when I don't smoke then I became a boring 1 post per day kind of writer instead if I don't smoke.
I remember the days I was schizophrenic then I thought I'm 15 years old as fact joining Arsenal F.C as a player and Chicago Bulls as a player even playing American Baseball, like my life will change becoming a Sport Person Playing in a World Class League. I thought I'm a fighter known as Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat and I thought I'm the best Pesilat in the World, my schizophrenia really created me like that but it could be words of small girl lying to me then I hear it again when I'm alone, making like a special gift of hearing souls from unknown world saying stuff about me, or like Jinns. I really hate schizophrenia for making me like this. I really don't know Silat is the point. I wonder why the schizophrenia moment the small girl making me as crazy information as possible like shaming me in future to live in shame even if people know I have schizophrenia but my feelings exist like I score 100% in exam means I'm sane most of the time.
Why did I become someone that can "tak sedar" about the world around me? Did I become losing my mind and became crazy many times without my knowledge is why the multiple loss of memory? Right now I'm just hanging out at home hoping the hours pass by quickly and I become a non-smoker life, I wonder what I will discover on doing in my life, I really feeling nothing kind of happiness in my life.
I remember Dina's boyfriend as a Pesilat then I wonder why doctor say about the Fight that will happen when on Motorcycle by 5 men that I will be around? Why did doctor tell the story about a Pesilat but as saved by a non-fighter like me instead? Is it a dream or reality the story is by doctor? I wonder why it's like that my life. I wonder what Dina or my nephews feel about schizophrenia, they have seen me gone crazy many times? Why are they normal about it and am I thought of as a handicap person even? Like they don't care and normal to me.
Why did doctor tell a story like I will be playing M.L with my nephews etc. on a competition and winning $15K? What makes such thing happen in my life? My oldest nephew that's my first sister's son is 15 years old, will such thing even happen and doctor as psychic if lie to me I feel cheated of information too, but then again what if it's the small girl that lied to me and it became a dream of doctor talking to me instead? I became not knowing stuff.
I wonder why my family let me thinking that Mortal Kombat as real and not a movie, and I thought Jinns exist that I have ever fought it before, it's weird I have to experience something like this so many times thinking of myself as a great fighter when in reality I never learnt any Martial Art before, doctor really not helpful but they know how to make it feel like they're always around "in time", I know my difficult moments doctors was not around, especially that day I suddenly out of ez-link, doctors didn't save me too, I had to use my money to go home twice.
I remember doctors saying I will have a motorcycle license and will be caring my house in Johor paying the bills for my parents, I wonder why the story is like that or then again if it's the small girl that lied to me that I dream of it?
It's like the same thing like RG477V as fact I feel like I will buy it myself instead of gifted from doctor, I just wonder when is it.
I really thinking of how to spend my days, there's a lot of air fried chicken C.P brand then a little rice, then will I really not smoke today? It's really tempting to roll unfinished cigs. of my brother's. I remember a video like (S) also smokes then when see her in tudung it feels like she don't smoke instead, I just want to be stable in life like people don't care if I smoke or not because I'm still me, then now I think to live like I will never get to see or speak to (S) again, I wonder if I can become a normal life kind of person. It's too heavy to suddenly believe my soulmate as someone not mine forever, I just have to work and earn money on the required days and get to be happier during salary days. I still imagining RG477V as something I supposed to be able to get already but just my parents had created difficulty to be felt by me instead, don't know why they are like this to me. I feel if every Batam trip I don't follow, the ticket money to Batam the amount to give to me they actually been having money anyway but they are used to lying to have no money instead, I wonder why they creating me stupid like this, it's so hard like a small child but they making me childish at the same time, so angry I feel like smoking again, I really wonder what to do.
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