Day 180//228 of Medications

I got a long dream yesterday, I really forgot what it's about, it's really new it feels new like something I never dreamt before, usually I get repeat dreams during period of medications during schizophrenia. I really forgot what's the dream I remember 1 it's my 2nd sister liking to swim at dead pool, I think it's the pool that is circle around a swimming place, it should have wave. I dreamt about Yusali and Yusri being my best friends since long time ago then I lost memory and stopped communicating with them normally. (S) knows them during Kindergarten Malay dance. I really got a lot of dreams that I don't remember.

I think in Facebook I saw that Yusali have 2 children and Yusri have 3 children already, our age is really considered as getting old as reaching 40 years old already. They're all far ahead of me about life and I end up becoming a mentally sick person and not living my life for so long.

Just now I went to shop to buy Redbull as usual for my morning crave and decided to quit smoking already, it's my last stick just now with Redbull and I hope I can do it though, it's to save money to buy RG477V faster anyways. I have around $108 left in my wallet and around $4+ in bank, hahaha. Sad how my parents really making me live like this without money. It's not 15 February yet and I already have that amount of money, supposedly 15 February to be leaving $100 left then it's half month, I hope I really survive and got to quit cigs. and need to stop drinking Redbull to save money and stop buying food already.

I have 2 more days left until my 4th day of work, making me earn another $18 on Thursday and earn total of $72 this month first 2 weeks. It's really half month done the next time I work. My O.T haven't replied me yet and I think it's not important anyway, I'm just in a rushy feelings for work that's all because I want to earn more than $1000 in a month as a start of feeling nicer in life. It's hard how I feel like a hard something in my head sometimes like stuck in me and I think it's the cause of catatonia which I don't understand. Anyways I hope my decrease of cigs. makes me recover from anhedonia soon, it's really harsh to feel loss of pleasure in life.

Every morning when I wake up I hear sounds of games like Pokemon Battle part and I imagined Anaqi or my brother bought a New Handheld Console, then it's actually the schizophrenia instead of hearing voices I am hearing sounds instead, it's weird it have to be like this, the voices and sounds are memories of the past that became clear for a schizophrenic person to listen back instead of remembering normally. It's weird it have to be like this, maybe it's a sign of recovery that I can remember complicated sound pattern? And my memory improving again?

Simba data usage is 3.86gb/400gb as I don't go out when I have no jobclub work to do, at least I'm not wasting my life so badly. Now I have 2 days to think of what to do if I don't smoke I will end up going back to zikir and thinking and hearing voices again, but it's better? Will I remember (S) in a way that she's as my wife again? My memory of (S) is will be having babies with her as that's what doctor said, and around 5 of it and 1 dead(then slowly all dies), but if I have baby later age, all will be alive. Maybe schizophrenia or lovesick caused me to be weak about having babies? Like a sickness that's physical. It's a physical sickness considered but why do they call it a mental problem? My babies will be sick is the key answer that it's physical sickness?

I remember the first week of quitting cigs. it will be alot of earthquake feelings in head, I wonder if I can do it well to go through it.

I decided my title of blogpost to become like that instead of repetitively writing a long one in my blogpost, I feel like asking my mother about money at 182 days but they just treating me like this anyway. I became angry and sad at the same time everytime I think about money I wonder if I can really become stable about it. I wrote about money again not like I planned sadly. But it's a blog it have to be this way, it's to not bottle up our feelings anyway the reason of a blog.

Budget Talk is nearing soon I hope we get the $500 Skillsfuture money into cash instead like story of doctor in M.R.T, because we didnt use our Skillsfuture to train and it had expired in Dec 2025. Then I definitely will have money before June and it will be fun, as I definitely will want to buy RG477V already but I need around $800 first maybe before buying it so I have $500 left to last me for 2 or 3 months but that's only if I smoke, if I don't smoke, $200/mth became more than enough.

Today I wear 3/4 at home it's been a long time since I wear it because I bought the MIG Oversized T-Shirt that's until above Elbow or Half Arm to wear it, it's due to feeling cold if I can sleep well today because of 3/4 I plan to wear it everytime before my working day so I get a good sleep.

Lately it's like I can control the amount of food I ate but actually maybe due to I ate a lot or just drinking too much cold water, I really don't feel so much suffering not eating much. It's weird being schizophrenic then stress about money let to exist even if I have schizophrenia the pity about not living life like don't exist, they truly don't mind if I don't walk around Esplanade such places anymore and just letting me have no money, maybe they feel I'm insane and should be at home as the main thing, it's like as-if I'm autistic and unstable, I score 100% in exam then definitely I'm fine to think well in life. I feel like I'm the only 100% scorer that's not successful in life and got not popular status in Singapore, all because of schizophrenia.