It's not working

I guess I won't be quitting cig. anytime soon, it's just too hard, I just now bought Marlboro Crafted Ice instead of Purple because out of stock, it costs 30 cents more but it's worth it, it's very cold and I like how it feels like.

I think it's not working everytime I want to quit smoking, even in ward can get free cig., life is just like this. I've been a useless man for so long in my life and still got the cheek to express love to (S), I wonder why I became like this.

It's like I won't get to marry my soulmate at all, it's 38 years old this year and I goal for 38, 39 and 40 years old as marriage, but I can't do it, my family are clearly not helping me, they just living their life as per normal.

My only growth in life is getting myself a job in jobclub and it's only 3 hrs per day, and 2 times a week, I'm still a useless man, I feel I should do better in life, maybe I really should try places like FastJobs for dishwasher jobs, or else I'm really going to be a poor person and my family don't care about it. I am feeling like I won't Solat at all, it doesn't really matter anymore because God created me sick anyway, I really don't know what's going to happen to me, if my family makes me feel lighter I definitely will feel more syukur to Solat then they are still putting weights in my life on purpose, except my brother, I don't know what is going to happen to me, I can't be happy means I can't Solat at the same time, daily it's like painful to go through the boredom, only if I have money I would've gone out, but then maybe even busy tasting food around Woodlands, nobody really cares about me, everyone have more than enough in life but not helping me anything in life. It's so heavy and I'm so tired thinking of my family, if they help me with (S) I would be more appreciative then (S) is not nice to me like making my heart beg in pain, she's awful as like this, I wonder why I fall in love with her.