I've stopped writing notes about my medications and put it as title of my daily blog instead.
Tomorrow is my 5th day of work at jobclub and I'm happy it's like that, I hope I still have the energy to keep working and complete this phase of my life.
It is $72+$18 tomorrow = $90 confirmed as total collected this month for March.
It is very little amount to survive entire month and the cig. price is $15.60 now. I need to last for 4 days instead of 3 if I want to save money. If 4 days it's $117 to spend every month for cig. I think I will quit cig. by April or May or even June.
I don't know why the story of me working at Popeyes exist then actually jobclub won't be redirecting me there, I wonder where will jobclub redirect me, maybe McDonalds? Whatever the job I know I have to stay for the full more than $1000 salary per month, as it's supported by jobclub, my O.T would tell the company that I have injection every month and can skip work on that day.
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Recovery feelings: today I dreamt something but I forgot again, I sleep without keeping my fan on and it's nice feeling. It's frustrating how the recovery haven't appeared yet and I still don't remember my past. It's like a hard head feelings now, it's really weird the pain is physical but it's a mental problem, I wonder why it's like that, even hotness is physical pain but it's a mental problem. Nobody will discover the best solution for me but just that I keep drinking cold water as the best solution to keep my body cool. I really want to feel lighter today but it's still the same stress level, like no signs of healing or recovery, hopefully by June I will become a more stable person.
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Iqra made me happy I learnt it yesterday and I became faster at it hopefully I can read the Quran soon, it's half month of February now I'm already 1.5mths learning Iqra. It's really hard thinking of my future like when will vehicle license happen if I'm so unstable? Will I quit jobclub to focus on vehicle license? Will I work and take vehicle license at the same time every weekend? I really don't know when I will reach the moment of knowing how to spend my morning until night time the only think I can think of is Solat that I haven't done for so long, maybe after this month then I will start Solat? It really feels like a dream again like life is not real, like someone pushing me to Solat in a silent manner I really have no one helping me then, I wonder how I can be stable in life again.
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Money problem: my mother not responding, my 2nd sister told me to work, maybe this cause me not to message my 1st sister at all, the response seems guided like I remember about doctor instead, I wonder why it's like that. I summarize that no one is really helping me with money at all even at this stage of pain, I wonder why I'm so unlucky in my life?
The pain is understood as bearable I assume to let me go to work with transport money without any money to buy drinks or eat after work, but eat and drink at home. I'm really tired thinking of money why won't reader just give me money too then? My soulmate is living her life and I'm in the hard experience instead.
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I wonder what can make me more stable, I'm just focusing on jobclub now, but daily I have 3 days and 2 days of rest that I don't know what to do the rest of the entire day, that is pushing me to Solat, I really hope jobclub can hire me like working there everytime so it's easy job even if $6/hr maybe it's going to be 8.30-5 kind of work. I really feel like I'm living a survival life instead, I really hoping for a nice job plan but waiting for March is a long time, I've been looking for work at FastJobs and Gumtree is no more already for so long I wonder how I can get a job then. I really need a work that's not jobclub because it's too low.
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