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Recovery feelings:
I dreamt of (S) and monkeyface yesterday, in a group like a project then I join the group and appear to chat with (S), it was only awhile then I woke up. This dream is new to me I never dreamt something like this before I think, usually I experience a repetitive dream. Life is still slow and I eat medicine like usual this morning around 7+a.m, I really wish and pray for a recovery to be faster then it's still not granted, I really don't understand the System of God about praying - Pray, Zikir to believe as Makbul, then I can't do anything about it. I still see visions yesterday, like image of a girl appeared etc. I wonder why my eyes appear images and people in expression, I remember it's like dreaming of my nephew then when he appeared in this world it's the same face, I wonder why I can dream of my nephew's face first, I wish I can experience a lie detector then maybe get a training about Psychology or Psychic then get a job in the Police Force. This morning my mind feels clear, I do not hear voices maybe because my nephews are around they slept here yesterday.
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I'm able to think normally like usual, my mind at ease when I think about cigarette and smoking, I find it is a peacemaker maybe due to being spiked and it still exist inside my body. I'm really giving up about zikir and dua as it's not working for me, I wonder why my family didn't find alternative way to recover me like health I get can be from food that I ate too, why they don't give me happiness like junk food to feel a different life experience. I saw on TikTok that schizophrenic people some are luckier because they have money like a lot in bulk of $50, maybe given by others but why my life is like this, they even drink beer and enjoy themselves.
Yesterday my father didn't reply about game console I requested him to buy, I messaged my first sister to borrow her game console of my nephews, 1 of it, it's because they seem like not playing games but I really want them to enjoy themselves, I just need something to kill boredom and finish the day, the imagination of tomorrow as another off day is great but I don't feel the holiday because my work day is just after holiday, but it's okay too because I would earn $18 per day. It's really slow but it's my wish to earn at least $100/mth in the past, because of schizophrenia my body feels weak, now I feel like wanting to move a lot and consider job like an exercise then feel like I can even work as Lashing. It's weird but I think I will end up working as a cleaner or McDonald's, I really hope March is a good job redirection for me, the needs to quit cigarette is strong but I really can't do anything about wanting to smoke, when I recalculate into 4 days per box of cigarette, it feels like I can survive like still smoking and only buy RG477V after I got a job, I really didn't mind like not having it sometimes, sometimes it's like a rush to get it, I wonder why my heart bolak-balik like this, maybe it's Anhedonia but people would say Allah bolak-balikkan hati manusia, it's sad that it could be Anhedonia then because of that, no recovery or medicine is put on effort for me to feel normal. It could be even catatonia that feel like a jerk or stuck inside body that changes my feelings towards something, nobody cares they just wonder if I take medicine that's all. Anhedonia, catatonia and schizophrenia are 3 sickness that I have and the only effort is medicine for schizophrenia. Exercise really changes feelings about anhedonia and I just need to exercise daily but if too much I feel like my body is injured, I read exercise must be twice to 4 times a week, means need rest days too. I really want to grow muscles, my stomach looks fat because of drinking water maybe, as I'm still skinny, maybe I just need to do a lot of sit-ups, but it can cause backpain too, like an injury.
Yesterday the anger at small girl is too much that I remembered that she forgot she attack me everytime after attack, that I wrote down her name, in case she read. I think it's the spike that cause me to think of her aggressively.
I feel like the world is nothing to be happy about without my soulmate then yesterday I really wish for death and just the end of pain of missing someone, the person I love really didn't effort to get in touch with me, somehow in a belief that it's okay that I'm like this instead of meeting me and try to love me too, I really don't know why their heart feels nothing when it's true love, I feel like a deadmeat person but I don't care too, I wonder why it's like that. I really was planning to buy a lot of dormicum that 1 is $10, at jobclub I will get $144, then it's 14 dormicum to consume at 1 shot for a sleep until death, it's definitely not painful to die during sleep, I ever planned this in secondary school when I had no money and my parents being strict about money always lying have no money until now.
I am thinking like there was first timer taking meth and then both died, I wonder why they only take meth but died, then I read it's mixture of ketamine, if death is easier it would be nice because the world is meaningless for me, I'm turning 38 years old this year and became a useless person despite my high score that I repetitively write it down in my blog, I don't know why my mind became stupid and thinking of death as something okay.
I don't know why the girls are not sensitive about the long duration of not meeting me, and just live their life normally working, then my heart? They know they heal me up and I recover from schizophrenia but they didn't effort to give me the free "medicine" by appearing in my life over and over again. It's sad their initiative is just like this, it's like a block or concreted fixation of decision to choose my life to experience this instead of effort a different way, but maybe "they just busy with work". It's weird to not think of me like it's nothing. I really have nobody but they don't care about it.
I'm thinking of what to do like if I can survive my life. Ramadan is in 2 days time, on the day of my 6th day of work, I feel happy pretending I have a pleasure that anhedonia doesn't remove, to just try feel happy that it's Ramadan, people feel sad because of the dead ones that's no longer around because they experience family members that died, I haven't experienced like that but only my relatives, but Hari Raya is something to be happy about then I know I will miss a day because of injection, I really hope I do well during this Ramadan and can take this opportunity to quit smoking too. Life's hard that people have decided when is the day to give me money instead of the day I need money, it's like a scheduled pain that happens to me, I really can't do anything about it but just experience the pain, people live in assumption that I will be okay with what I have, and assume I'm not struggling, money is something that can distract me from feeling bad in life, making me have something to do in life too, then people just don't care about it too, maybe because it's their hard work earning money, but I have schizophrenia, anhedonia and catatonia, it's not my fault to be feeling like this.
It's like a meditation of rest, to wait for time to go until night time, I'm also stress about what to write to feel occupied in life, then it's only 9+a.m in the morning.
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