It's really hard I have to live life myself and I have no resume to apply for jobs, jobclub is the only path I have that can make me barely surviving the hardships of life.
Today I got a crazy dream I wonder if it's schizophrenic dream I would call it.
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Recovery feelings: it is still the same I feel the dullness of life, my memory is unsure or uncertain about some matters especially about being given money. There's no memory appearing in my life anymore and I'm taking medications daily as the plan. I exercise a lot yesterday but did not obtain a nice feeling after exercise which is unusual.
I'm thinking like if I get a job in mid March I would just apply for motorcycle license anyway without waiting for sponsor. Maybe by May or June I would be taking motorcycle license. I remember I lost memory of me needing to take the license during N.S then I left it without going, wasting money like nothing, I wonder why its like that. I'm really thinking hard of what to write and I can't think properly too. Tomorrow is Ramadan and I feel like a pressure about morning waking up and worry about work at jobclub. I really hope I will do well during my jobclub, I really don't know what's taking so long for my family to give money but it's maybe a bad decision again like my 2nd sister married again means they can't plan well in life and just living through a system of work is money, then becoming stable about money. They really made me feel tortured due to limiting a kind of life experience to me and I can't feel alot of life experiences. I really have loss a lot of moments in life for over 16 years but they don't care and I still live a difficult experience despite having schizophrenia. I'm really thinking lately I'm going crazy and unstable but I don't know why, it's maybe memory that comes back about my difficult days are let be without pity at all and they let me live like in pain, I feel they're heartless and creating anger and instability in my mind because of bad decisions in life, I feel like bad decision is maybe a family bloodline thing, and I think I'm a better decision person somehow due to scoring 100% for my N-level at that time. They really extract a feeling of suicide from me to be felt more and making me unhappy in life without gains just me feeling more pain. I feel sad my family exist a bad decision mind and I have to go through a bad care in life.
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