Tomorrow 6th day of work!

It finally feels wonderful the end of this month is close and tomorrow is another $18 into my bank in March. It will be total of $108 collected on next month, then I only have 2 more days of work, 23rd and 26th February. 23rd I will have doctor's appointment and tomorrow is Ramadan, I think Ramadan will help me quit cig. and feeling less difficult in life already if I quit smoking. I feel stress how people are not energetic about me healing up and let me become a crazy mind like suicidal thoughts imaginations, I wonder why people are like that. Yesterday is Chinese New Year making me think the main viewer as Chinese I'm really hoping that Doctor is a reader so knows my difficulty is it really peaceful this way of treatment to my life, I feel it's unfair to experience difficulty even if I have schizophrenia, ease should happen like being supported for pleasures in life, I feel kinda depressed how I have nothing in life and have to save up for my RG477V myself and it takes 1 month longer to have enough for it, I really hope doctors help me with something like a nice job for me to work, like other than jobclub, a doctor's choice or effort instead, I really need to work and earn money instead of remaining as a useless person, life is really too hard for a schizophrenic like me with anhedonia to be pitied and catatonia that maybe got me tired easily, I really think doctors should help me talk to my parents about giving me support like money instead of this increment of craziness to endure, why do I have to endure when I really can be having a better life? For someone like me it's definitely hard to earn money but different than them healthy they can earn money easily, then I'm made to be like a waiter-of-money everyday, even after successful 6 months of medications they still make me wait for money, to imagine 1 year is too much, the next money from government is August and September, then it's too long to go, like 6 months to go from now, why is my family like this to me like not being supportive at all?

The job search is hard requiring resume that I don't have then I really only have one path of work to do and it's really only jobclub and I need to be supported like a kind of happiness they energizes me, my father didn't reply about RG477V I think he won't buy me it and I have to buy myself, my age is 38 years old this year and I'm thinking of game console myself, why are people not being extra support or caring to me, I eat the same as them at home instead of nice food most of the time, like McDonald's, K.F.C etc. is all like a 6 monthly thing, by luck I remember my brother treated me, I bought myself too as 1 of the 30 days out of ward celebration, it's really bad I can't even be getting a job then how I will work normally? I wonder how Hisyammuddin survive this Phase like what would he do? It's really tough I am understanding how he feels at that time enduring life with difficulty of money, like why are our parents strict on us like that?

I really hoping for a nice job, I can't think of a daily job to do, and I don't have a lot of black t-shirts to do dishwashing mainly, I wonder how I can survive next month, will I even get to save up my $144 next month? I only need 1 month then got my RG477V, why can't my parents just support me by giving me the planned $10K earlier so I can try live my life normally? Are they really thinking about suicide or wasting my life away because of money? Are the pain they build for me to feel really worth it what kind of understanding will I learn from not having money? Why is it so hard to just let me have a life of my desire?

In the past they didn't support me with my interest of studies: computers/I.T, then I have to take N-level that my success are not rewarded and then endure the small girl's talk that I'm "only N-level" and thought my ex (W) said it to me, I really experience a kind of attack that is too much but they didn't sue her, I loss my pleasure of life for more than 16 years I feel lonely instead of a lovely couple life I could've felt, it's gone just like that and the confidence crushes, the increased loss of confidence is by my achievement in life as low due to schizophrenia and nobody cares about it, and nobody sued her. The pain I feel that I thought is from my ex (A) is so real by the small girl then still nobody sued her for creating anhedonia to my life, to imagine my own brother sex with (A) is crazy madness and insanity kind of pain mentally and heart torture then small girl really speaks it with confidence that I'm like a stupid person with schizophrenia can't fight back when I was actually holding myself back from beating her. I wonder why people can still be normal about my life being like this despite that kind of level of attacks and pain that's torturous, then I still live normally. Now she's sleeping elsewhere and not as my neighbour, then the chance of collecting evidence became lower as I should've got it recorded as evidence that she's the one talking into my room and shouting behind wall disturbing my sleep that I rarely get, then woken up during my chance of sleeping peacefully. I remember going to Choa Chu Kang searching for (S) because of the small girl telling shes there, then I was schizophrenic and didn't remember her attacking my life and just regard it as a help to my heart. I'm so unlucky that doctors also did not sue the small girl for injuring the patient's heart and mind, why is it like that? I could be having money now and living my life but I'm enduring a difficult phase of bad decision of families to not give me money.

I don't know why I'm just some happiness making little money that's really happiness because I am someone that usually can't work and somehow the pain is unexplainable that people will want to regard or talk of it as laziness instead, I wonder why people are like that not seeing schizophrenia as something requiring support or insurance money, like a kind of disability as fact? Then I think again, Hisyammuddin became successful in life despite taking the same medicine, experiencing the same anhedonia and catatonia maybe, then actually achieved highly in life, he's my only energy to try myself be feeling and achieving the same like others, I feel and hope I can do it too, to earn more than $2000 a month at least, I really need it, but earning $1000/mth at first because of wanting RG477V and settling my life until August Govt give money. It's so long and I have to endure and seeing my parents don't care at all, why is advice of doctor to them like this then, why is it a pain-built-up kind of pain-creation into my life? They really think this is enough for me?

It's weird my father earns $3000+/mth as security guard maybe then not giving me money at all, I remember (R) said her father used to work Seaman also but always giving her money making her having a lot of money, I wonder why my family practice strictly on keeping money away instead of being giving and letting life to not become like a survival, what is the gain in life doing this? It's hard to believe, like in the past secondary school age, I get $1000 to spend during Ramadan on Hari Raya clothings then now I have nothing to spend anymore, why are they keeping money away from me strictly? Everyone will become thinking as money as hard to get, why I have to experience survival and endurance in life? They really regard it as okay that I will be getting $144 next month then actually I want to save it for console, to wait for another month, it's so long to sacrifice, why they drag my heart to feel pain for so long? Why doctors not helping me have a good and nice feelings instead?