"wife in heaven"

My mother don't care but just saying such thing like I won't get married to the girl that I love, to compare me as same as Bik Minah, Pak Ngah and Mak Ni tak kahwin, I don't know who scripted or she made up such thing to believe of having a wife in heaven instead. It's really meaningless the feelings to get will be different in the world, I don't think I will love a girl that's too late.

As her expression like she won't effort for (S), I feel like ruining my marriage with (S) like just masturbating to her other family members and ruin myself, but she's just luckily too special to do that kind of thing, people don't know how crazy I can become so they are like challenging me with words like that, I really feel helpless and like nobody will help me. I told my mum I sakit that's why tak kahwin but she want me to believe the version of heaven to become like that instead.

I feel like my family or relative is ruined anyway like I feel a girl should only be touched by only 1 man but my 2nd sister got married, then my aunt also married a different person, I no longer feel my family bloodline is perfect because of this, I really hate the imagination of people in our family will have children with multiple different man but I don't understand God's way that it's perfect. I really feel bad like "man left in the world and doesn't meet anymore in heaven", or I don't feel like "will enter heaven together" as the girl's goal, the perfection been ruined anyway, my family is not perfect at all, no wonder they are not giving me money too or it will be too late by the time they give money if give money, I don't know why they cause anger this way. It's really not a nice feeling imagining family not perfect then I can't have the money to just live my life my own way, it's the same like having a gay or lesbian in the family, it's ruined if my 2nd sister have another child, but her husband is nice to her so I have no comments, even visited me in I.M.H and cook for me food, as something my 2nd sister will make feel bad about. I think he ever even offered to teach me how to read Arab, the peace been gone in secret anyway about family perfection then I think it's still okay to write it down somehow they will want me to see that it's still perfect. I really hope her ex-husband don't give up on her and try for family perfection instead, like imagine Dina already have other siblings from other mother, then if she have siblings from her own mother with other man, who will enter heaven then? If everyone will enter heaven why they don't remain married then? It's still happiness in heaven, the perfection of my family is gone that I just feel like asking money randomly anyway, it's so harsh living like this. I don't know why my mother don't care or risk me masturbating thinking of mother of (S) as the only one I remember or her Aunt in her bedok reservoir house at that time, by saying like that it definitely hurts me mentally I feel like a crazy man.