Hopeless Life

There's no positive response about my questin, I just wonder when but they're not telling, my sister told me to find a job like I am not searching for a job, my mother ignore the message. I fall asleep until 10+p.m, tomorrow is Sunday my last day of rest, I don't know how to handle my free time it always gets boring after some time in the morning then the start of feeling wanting to smoke and buy Redbull etc. I'm really just waiting for jobclub and it's like a fixed schedule in March to get a job outside from jobclub, I imagine myself having to wait until Mid March working as a jobclub worker first, life's really slow and I have to swallow all these waiting.

I feel like giving up and just work cleaner at I.M.H, will I be fine or not I wonder? I don't know how long to go my energy will rise again I really feel like I have no hope for a nicer life now, schizophrenia but choosing me to work myself, I feel like a bad brain damage done on me, I wonder why schizophrenia don't get money easily like insurance, didn't it stop us from being able to work, the medicine support to work but then work is usually tough or boring repetition? I search for job at woodlands a lot are production operator then I wonder why someone like me a 100% scorer then working like that which don't require certificate at all? Then why did I join school then if I can't get a certificate type of job? Why is my life like this then? I think I need to wait for e2i for a stable job first.

I became a useless person in reality having so many adopted father maybe is due to being like a disabled kid, mentally and catatonic to not able to function properly in life, luckily I'm not handicapped just some problem that require to take medicine to become stable. I'm really waiting for a cure of schizophrenia but the only cure is to keep continuing taking the medicine and I have no other choice, it's by number of days taken medicine instead of a special treatment, I remember doctor saying 1 year of injection will change into pill medicine, it's so long and I'm really wanting a better life but the cure doesn't come in less than 1 year. I wonder why 38 years old I will be happy, is it doctor will take me in as a Nurse in Ward 35A? I remember I feel like I ever work as a nurse before then I loss my memory, or it's a dream that I worked as a nurse before? I remember the story is like my first day is a Night Shift and learning Psychology Book every night in a room while the patients sleep, I wonder why I dream something so happy like this - that I will become a Psychologist and Head Nurse in I.M.H?

There's nobody telling me my past and I don't remember anything special, to me everyday is like the same painful feeling, tomorrow is another repeat that I have to go through every morning until night time, I will end up walking until my legs become in pain, then thinking it means I would become a Wali Songo for walking too much, hahahaha, my mind is corrupted seriously just the reason of a lot of walking to become a Wali, I don't know how I can be well when in the past I really can communicate properly with people and have happiness and laughter, the confident goes away after that and I became to have mental problem, like changes in behaviour, or odd behaviour? I really became mentally retarded? Isn't it the cause of anger and not giving me money makes me more angry? I feel like my mind is spoiled and I become a handicap that people pity "still want to marry" and "can't get married because mental problem"? I can't get married because I have mental problem? I feel this way, right now I still feel life as deadmeat because they save the amount of money I should get to become monthly getting money instead, I thought it's slowly $18 per work, then it's end of the month instead, life is really cruel to me, I can't feel like having a lot of cash for now until Mid March starts, now is just endurance daily and enduring from madness of micro earthquake feelings inside my head, as I need to stop smoking, smoking only 3 yesterday makes it worse and i can't quit like that, I remember the first week will be a lot of endurance and alot of silvery or white crystal outline of humans in my vision, then alot of scary feelings in my heart that goes away like a scratch at heart happens, making the crave of cigarettes goes away.

I'm blogging at night which is rare, I wonder if people will still be on time getting to click it, or else I imagine it's continuos refresh on my Facebook, it's like someone updated on time instead, I wonder why it's like that? The post looks read as viewers may increase after a day, like to imagine discussion on my feelings don't people see that I feel bored and like a dead meat having to work and feel this pain of endurance? Nobody like to endure in life, people are just healthier to work than me, I've been schizophrenic for more than 16 years that I remember like it's since my baby days and pri school, but my mother will talk about "ever since my head fall and stitch" instead, wonder why she lie and not tell me about "it's been since baby days" like now the memory is like that.

I feel like it's impossible I will get a good job, I really need to energize myself on "kerje ape2 je dulu" that any work is fine including cleaner if I have to, sad about my 100% score means nothing of a reward to get, I still must buy my own Anbernic RG477V too, like no presents from the past. Life is really cruel and it feels like a torture right in my heart, it's like a pull into a pain that I have to endure then continue working because HEALTHY people are working and fine about it, hello they are healthy and not schizophrenic? I only remember Hisyammuddin as my energy to carry on as he can do it while taking the same medicine as me, I wonder if it was 1 month then he gets ease or not too, or I have to wait longer for my mother to help me?