I think my mind got messed up

I became not knowing reality or an answer because got mixed with the talk of small girl, I don't know why she dengki don't let me know things from doctor, it's just my bad luck then means she ruined my chances of getting (S) at that time in M.R.T, because (S) could change her mind maybe and just accepted me to become more than her friend, then I became looked at as crazy instead that's why maybe caused her to just tunang with monkeyface anyway. I'm so bad luck, why small girl have to call on the special day I met (S) after so many years that's been gone?

By right I knew (S) first I truly have the right to try for her, she only knows monkeyface in Junior College I assume, means I was late just a bit when I ever saw her in her uniform at Woodlands M.R.T and In School at Fence area. I lost my chances easily like that.

I still mumble name of (S) and I remember I mumble name of (W) and (A) too when I'm with them, it means I'm lovesick I think, nobody really help me at all with this lovesickness, what am I going to do?

I browse Amazon just now for RG477V and saw the silicone casing instead, then I feel like buying it, it's really hard, I remember March I will get $144 if I complete entire February, then April I will get $216 if it's 3 days work a week in March, I need to save $241 to buy RG477V by April, means I need to quit smoking already as my life to become better maybe is really quit smoking? But why Soldiers need to smoke anyway in a battle they become more confident and clearly more strength and concentration?

God is not helping me to get (S) at all and I'm growing in age, I don't know who still keep in touch with her too, this many years I really need help definitely, it's too long missing her, I'm supposed to forget her by 15mths + as quote of psychology, but I did not instead, I wonder why it's like that, I still miss her like my entire life and I can't do anything about it. I feel helpless and hopeless, why are people so cruel to me like not helping me? I really hate them for that.

I even got to believe I will become a doctor and even score high in O-levels next year, to even become President of Singapore 1 day, like I will score super high, due to my 100% score during N-level, my confidence still exist from it. I really think I'm becoming a normal person instead. Maybe after O-level I take Diploma and then apply for Soldier Job, but story of doctor was: I become a Soldier at 38 years old, then I wonder if it's true now, because "if become a soldier at 38 years old" could be his whisper, why doctors let small girl mess with what I hear, now I can't remember correctly of the truth, doctors should sue her I think, she really messed up my mind. I'm so helpless I hope she fail her university.