It's like over my move

I think I'm giving up once I got a proper job, I don't think the "susah senang bersama" exist because I saw (S) gone to dinner and dance, means she actually been having nicer food than me, she wearing tudung since her tunang with monkeyface also means maybe she's actually married and have a baby could be true my mother said that. Since I don't fear of losing her now I just add her on LinkedIn like a pest, it's my last try and I hope she tells me like cancelling the request, I have schizophrenia anyway, it's maybe insanity that got me to have no wife in my life. Nobody really cares anyway.

I have about $130+ left to last until end of February and I'm a dying life anyway, I wonder what to do, girls don't excite me anymore like the past, I feel nothing looking at pretty girls now, it's maybe anhedonia but it's just weird to feel nothing, it's maybe insanity, then God protects those not insane that insane people don't feel the sexual desires for girls, then hiding it calling as a schizophrenia.

I don't know why my family not let me live a normal life, I have to experience a healing-moment then all these is loss of chances of getting (S), but how come I knew of (S) working in O.C.B.C before, I wonder, it's like she see first hand what a crazy person is. Is schizophrenia happening from a love sickness? Why do I love her anyway, she still looks fat to me, but I love her. It's weird I can't be normal experience in life like others, I just lost my chance since (S) first day in J.C, or since I first day quit school in secondary school, schizophrenia is the one that causes it but my family makes like I'm lazy instead, they really don't blame schizophrenia anything, I'm upset it's not at fault.

Too bad I dreamt a lot that I have a lot of adopted families, I imagined my life as becoming richer to spend time alone myself without (S) and living a rich life to overcome the pain of thinking of (S), I really have grown to become a nobody then story of doctor if "psychologist" I will take a photo with my new job club shirt and put as Facebook profile, I really just having goals in life now, I don't know how to become a normal person. I don't know how Hisyammuddin bypass the anhedonia and just working normally, it's weird doctor really a psychic and didn't talk of anhedonia at all, he just let it be.

I'm thinking what life is becoming without (S), I really have no mood at all, I'm searching for dishwasher job again, it looks to be $2300+/mth as salary like nice if get a job as it.