Just now I feel bad I bought Soya Bean in the morning then I feel like the entire dullness and boredom happen when resting at sofa, I rest until 10+a.m then bought Redbull now I feel better, I think my body needs Redbull daily but next month I can only buy them during my days of work as to save money. I'm thinking now if I should buy cig. I really feel like quitting because of anhedonia promotion maybe is by cigs., I yesterday feel the spike still exist at my legs whenever it's cold then I don't know why it's taking so long to be gone, maybe it's a water form and I'm right it became like a tissue inside my body and stuck inside to keep spiking me, I maybe usually fall asleep from melatonin but yesterday I didn't eat melatonin and still fall asleep nicely in the morning fresh when woke up.
I have learnt Iqra already today I learn before writing my blog, and I'm satisfied how far or long I've done it, it's since January until now, so it's about 38 days done of Iqra already, I plan to continue until March and try learning other writing ways by luck of random videos on Facebook, I hope to see them 1 day.
I really don't know what else I should learn, I think of learning Signs of Traffic first before I start my learning of it in License School, it just came into my mind then I think I should be learning something first. It's boring but I wonder if such video or e-book exist to learn them first before enrolling myself to License School.
I'm planning my expenditures of $144 in March and I can only think like $13×4 weeks = $52 on cigs., 1 packet of 20 to last for 1 week is impossible but I feel like trying it like that because of my needs for Redbull, it's hard thinking but I really either have quit cigs. now or I will continue even until March, it's hard but I have to think of something, nobody support me by calculating cigs. intake for me and I have to do this myself. I remember if I was warded there's no support for cigs. at all but then the people in Ward just smoke to luck of having cigs. then I still would've quit cigs. already maybe? The 1st 10 days I was able to sleep like more than 12 hours per day, is it due to sadness but I somehow was having a technique to fall asleep all the time, I only woke up when it's time for something like Meal, Medicine, Bath. I really feel like crazy inside as it's too boring then I survived 1.5mths inside for every year shockingly then my ex-es didn't question of my health is annoying because it's too boring inside, the point is I think all of them judge me as sane then is why they ever my lover, it's weird how my life have to be this way, it's so long and I survived. I think there's nurses that regard me as true friend or family too causing me having memories like had fun inside ward but I really don't know, maybe it's a dream too.
The occurrences in ward are the same like people smoking even at the ward area itself, it's odd how nurses permitted them and how to get such permission too, nobody stopped the man and it's because he was angrily scolding around maybe or because he may get violent but if life is like that, it would still be less painful inside ward. In ward at that time I still don't recognize my family as my family, it's weird like I feel they pretend visiting me just to survive looking as my family, even if I take medications and didn't smoke I was feeling like this, I wonder why schizophrenia really have something wrong with me mentally even until now I think, I wonder why it's like that. I feel they are not my family maybe because of no help or money given causing me to pick items outside, I remember picking K.F.C chicken too thrown outside then it made me clear having schizophrenia or insane, it's weird it's not in the bin and it's still full 2 piece with chilli sauce and tied, someone threw them away or forgot about it. Then I remember finding Liquors that's so many I feel it's like a Jackpot then brought them home. Nobody help me even the police can didn't work to help me, and I still was warded at 29th June 2025 as usual the same month and date every year.
I feel like a poor person that people don't care just having food daily at home for me to eat, nobody cares like wonder if I want sweet drinks or not, I became nonsensical and like a sicko, I remember broken glasses I repaired and wanted to be a repairman of glasses, I used contact cement and pipe tape to repair the glasses with super glue too, I really look like a poor man that's not like a beggar because of the artistic facemask, I wonder why I became like that and I'm only willing for (S) to know all my difficulty, I wonder why doctors as psychic didn't visit me or help me like letting me experiencing something like bad food thinking as good food because it's tied in a plastic bag. I remember I thought the world in a Zombie mess and Chaos of World War is why nobody gave me good food, and I thought what I eat is the only limited available food in the Country, it means I believe that the food that everyone eats been equal to me, that I have my own fair share of nice food before and it's their turn to taste McDonald's such thing. The world seems unfair I was schizophrenic and in a mess then I just walk around at Causeway Point just to feel the Aircon as I was feeling hot, nobody help me at all, and psychics let me be in a spottable-sickness kind of walks in my life. Why nobody cares about me? Why they rather that I have no money and do such things?
I feel like a beggar that I collect stuff and so many good expensive things too, I even collected bottles downstairs and drank leftover Beer at coffee shop, I really became like a crazy man due to schizophrenia, sometimes it's still full bottle of beer that people left at coffee shop, they didn't drink finish and went home. Sometimes there was even Ikan Bakar that's half side not eaten with a lot of rice that I just take away from Coffee Shop and eat + having the beers, I really wrote my difficulty on blog hoping my family don't repeat letting me into difficulty but it seems my mother knows my brother gave me money, then maybe not helping me with money. I wonder why my life is like this, I appeared on camera many times maybe and people really don't mind I have schizophrenia and like that, nobody help me at all, the food at home was not good or satisfying or just my mother cook late and I was in hotness that no one cares, I wonder why it's still the same until now. They really creating me like getting a bad image for myself and they dont mind about it. How can I even get (S) now life became like this? I remember she knew like telling me in M.R.T to not pick cigs., then I think it's okay. I really am created to be difficult on purpose like the Nickelodeon actor that have bipolar disorder but living a poor life because his parents kept away his money, I really think it's treatment of doctors' suggestion that my parents became like this. I really don't know what to do.
I plan of just hanging on like this, wait until March for a full 3 days work per week and earning more in April, then hopefully April I get my Popeyes Job. I really have experienced a life as an insane man I think, why doctors still consider me as someone sane but just mental sickness - schizophrenia, isn't it like bad to limit my life from money? Why is money so important to them, isn't it like buying me games to spend on me like giving me by cash instead? I really don't know why it's like that my life.
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