I hope it's a change of medicine, it's really hard but I'm happy it's like that, now is Fri 6 March it's so fast, my mind like blurry and blanks most of the time, I wonder if it's the moment of losing memories that didn't happen to me because I take medicines.
The imagination of Jobclub from January at first I really not energetic to talk so much and just keep working silently, then it became like I feel talking creates less pressure, like wanting to talk at jobclub, it really releases stress but I didn't talk because the new guy maybe feeling like me I thought at first, the dullness like everytime work is tiring for him maybe like me in the past. It's already the 3rd month at Jobclub, theres no schedule for me to do work on 23 March then maybe I have no work at all on that day? I hope it's 9th March they talk to me about jobs because I really feel like it's 12th March then I fear it so long to go, I really want this 2nd type of pain to end which is "to earn at least more than $1000/mth" as my goal for this recovery phase, I think it would release another kind of pain from inside me and I would become a better person.
I don't know why my parents don't find it odd that I keep going to ward every year but my mother lied only twice I've been into ward, sad why she did that, then I have no topic to talk about. I would wonder like why they don't give me money then if I keep going to ward, why the ward people have more money than me then? In ward they can order McDonalds so it's really not like an alternative prison, but the feeling of having nothing to do is like madness inside ward, the activities are like childish but have movies to watch that I never joined any activity except the kind that O.T calls me to do.
In ward, smoking is like easy to get because of the constant effort by the people there, if only have lighter, smoking sketchbook paper is still satisfying to do it. It releases a lot of crave because of the thickness of the paper and the crave of smoking really goes away and settled by it.
I remember it's always the same people when I'm there that I thought it's like an act when inside that people are pretending for me, I thought everyone is a secret society except me when I'm inside there, they really give a weird feeling of gangsterism. I thought I saw 1 guy with my name as his tattoo, then I wonder what happened his tattoo looked like my name when I see it.
There's a part when I've been spiked then suddenly the non-smokers started to smoke and bring own cigarette to get themselves spiked meth I assume, it's weird they are like that and I think suddenly it became lightweight about cigarettes. Don't know why they're like that to me maybe because don't know me that's why don't give me cigarettes. I remember 1 of them called then I got tired of smoking I quit smoking for another 20 days, then still I started smoking again, it's odd the crave really exist the scary feelings in heart when don't smoke really grows and create like a dark vision like if walk too much will experience such darkness, I really dont know what sickness it is, because due to walking can experience darkness, maybe it's not because of cigarettes at all, it's something physical maybe the cause of catatonia, as it's fear in the heart when it happens.
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