1 of the doctor at I.M.H told me I would work full at CleanMark Solutions and only I.M.H appointment date I will miss working, I truly believe doctor's(even if other doctor) decision and I have been following doctor's orders to keep taking medicine 2 of it(Fluoxetine) every morning and doctor believe I can work it means I definitely can, like a rush to just work because I don't want to be "cannot work". I also don't want to ruin this 2nd chance of mine working there as I remember my heart is happy when I got to work here just that at that time I overdose of medicine then I cant work, so I think they pretend to forget I was ever told to work here before, I'm happy I'm getting this job.
It's a surprise to me how I receive no support from my parents to work here like no starting money for me to try enjoy but just use what my brother have given me, I wanted to feel packed like Hisyammudin when his 1st Job his mother gave him $10K but it's just a wish that don't come true, I truly want to feel supported but they really just making me work without such support. It's sad I have to rely on my own strength then I also don't want to give the loss of confidence to the company that hired me and I somehow ever work hard in my teenage days and completed contract work before, I can really work I think.
I hope the company people just know I have schizophrenia and try to understand it themselves first by reading about it, but it's hard to understand anyway, schizophrenia symptom when don't take medicine is "memory loss", can be confused with a normal forget, my schizophrenia will keep seeing things like images of people or someone expressing something when close my eyes, nowadays when I take medicine "seeing things" is much less and hearing voices becomes scary in heart, I used to not be scared at dark places because of hearing voices I thought it's a spy camera and people talking to me "Live". I've been taking medicine over 200+ days continuously ever since my warded in I.M.H on 29th June. This is my first time taking medicine more than 6 months already in all my 20 over years of needing medicine. I'm really hoping I will be cured from schizophrenia but I really don't think it will be soon.
If I walk around a lot I will experience dark vision and heavy eyes, and I don't think standing a long time makes such happen to me, I really don't know what it is, when I read at Google it says "spiked cannabis" I think, means in I.M.H I was ever spiked cannabis and meth in the cigarette I smoke together with patient. I thought it's the same cigarette of the usual patient that bring cigarette to smoke, but then it's a mixture of drug and it's different owner of cigarette, or the person spike the cigarette of the one usually I smoke with. The days of feeling meth was abnormally more than 10 days and I think it became a tissue material inside body so it's stuck. It's like mixing meth in water and drinking it, the injection I suspect at the filter then I smoke it then I got spiked without my knowledge.
In my memory of last year, it's like the company that hired me really read me so this is just my explanation of schizophrenia feeling if it's the same this year.
I really hope I get energized by being given money but it could be Alisha's mouth lying to me again and I hear it by voices but it feels like doctor is the one that told me this that Ustaz Harunarrashid will be giving me money to support me working at CleanMark Solutions and because I will become a Psychologist/Psychiatrist 1 day for the Muslim Community in Singapore, it could be exaggeration of Alisha's lie to create me more delusional of "what I will become", I'm sad doctors' info been mixed with lies then I don't know the future like I will be working full salary except i.m.h appointment day at CleanMark Solutions, knowing this, I know doctor is a psychic and I will be fit to work there entire April, Alisha's mixture of story is other information that I sometimes hear both sentences like "synonym and antonym" at the same time making me believe the nicer information sentence instead. It's nicer that I will become Psychologist/Psychiatrist of Muslim Community in Singapore 1 day, then I assume I will get my tattoos removed by this year or next year, hopefully I am strong enough to message Ustaz already by May, as I test April with working at CleanMark Solutions.
Tattoo removal will be a new lighter weight of life and I can wear t-shirts like other people without worry of people seeing my Tattoo, but then when I think again Half-Sleeve is better as don't want to look like idiot with a Short Sleeve.
In my current life I really hope doctors or ustaz talk to me normally about anything that I can know my future it's because they are not friend-standard and higher status, it's hard for me to get information of future, I really want to be smart and intelligent like my Aunt - she was a teacher at Damai Sec, I'm the lowest achievement in family and the one I thought the weakest, actually was ever in Police Force. It's weird I'm the most weak, then schizophrenia made me this way, even the one thought as the most childish is S.M.R.T driver, then I became the most childish now instead I assume. It's harsh life I wanted support like Hisyammuddin so Alisha can feel jealous and sad that someone supported me instead, my brother's $1000 isn't too strong pain for Alisha's jealousy or wish to not be granted(that I don't get money and live a hard life, like a crazy man).
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