I wonder how other people save their money for so long then still don't remember me to be at listing to blanja, like people don't care if I don't experience niceness in life, people don't pity me at all and it's real, they creating me to effort and I've grown fat, maybe because of "caring my future babies" I need to eat chicken chop with tomato rice, then it made me fat instead - 70/71 kg. I'm really heavy, I do 20 sit-ups daily instead of 50 like last time can even do 100 or 200 easily, but my weight was 50kg. Now is carrying additional 20/21 kg each sit up, I really hope my stomach becomes slimmer and not so round, but I maybe don't mind becoming fat because Ustaz Harunarrashid a high status then fat anyway, means fat doesn't mean unhealthy.
My body and mind feels weird like wanting a better feeling maybe because of the medicine finishing, it's harsh feeling like this everytime, I really hope I recover soon from the hot feelings or hot talks(voices that boils me up), I really don't want to live a life of endurance, I want a normal life. Now it's only going to be 3p.m and I don't feel good, have entire day to wait today then the shop is closed having to pay extra 10 cents at vending machine because plain cold water not created because my refrigerator is full, so I can't have cold plain water. The hot feeling is real that I suspect the spike really turned into a tissue-look and somewhere in my body need to be pulled out or shitted out.
Drank redbull the 2nd time only because I wanted a cold drink, so the tincan is colder to buy it. I have redbullz but plain cold water can't be made, too bad for me today it's more wastage of money.
I don't know why people don't mind I live life like sitting about doing nothing, people will expect me to zikir and solat then I do nothing in life, it's like in the ward I have so much time just lying around and walking around until dark vision, it's harsh people don't supply me fun things to do, the activities at ward are like retardation colouring and pasting things that I don't join the activities. Other is like watching movie then it's too crowded anyway I didn't join at all, it sucks I wish Sakinah start to care about me because of my life in ward is bad then have somebody to talk to, like why they don't mind me wasting my life in ward and being hard in getting money like I pick after-eat food dish at coffee shop after 12a.m when everyone went home, then they don't imagine like "geli" to pity me while my imagination during schizophrenia is different like "people actually just cut it off for me", feeling delusional that it's all hygienic. Why I have no friends that cares about me at all?
In 4 years I will become a psychiatrist/psychologist at I.M.H says doctor then where will I be earning from? Will I really do this CleanMark Solutions? Getting $1000 at least working here?
I hear voices that Ustaz Harunnarrashid will be giving me money but it's just voices anyway, then "it's due to the ayatul kursi necklace" that I bought/wear at that time 1 day. But Alisha knows Ustaz then maybe she created the voice information instead so I feel delusional about receiving help from Ustaz, it's really bad they don't confirm with me if it's Alisha or themselves. Why did I hear voices of doctors giving me $50 each and it's 10 doctors making it $500 too and why doctors don't mind I hear such thing? Isn't it really going to make me more mental problem if I hear such voices to create me delusional?
Why nobody contact me too - 80244202, it's been since 16 August 2025 that I have this number then nobody cares to contact me at all? Why is it like that people don't mind I live a heavy life? They feel like I'm extra weight to blanja maybe? I don't have anyone to contact it is hard and Sakinah only have niece to entertain "or truly married with Iman" but then she never contact me at all, she's just in touch with me through doctor's answer of "what I will answer" that I'm not around to know about it, or know my answer is like that, I don't witness it too, she's living her life easily because of me, that she have psychologists and psychiatrists to care her mentally while I lost mine due to love for her, I didn't get a chance to talk to psychologists/psychiatrists like I wish for. My life is not easy and she don't think of easiness for me but got my doctors' entertaining her easily like that. It's so unfair I'm not jealous but she already have what she need from me but she's not returning me with her love or something special like contacting me or caring my life in an instructive way to perform to me like "give anas some money everytime he's about to finish his money", she didn't do this sort of things for me and I'm sad I have to suffer in life while she looks growing in life, I became so small and she became so big, then she's not grateful of my effort letting her work at O.C.B.C because of me because I am a hacker, I hack for O.C.B.C was the deal that she got hired along, it's $50 and $75 per hack, and I don't know the actual pricing, but hacking is so easy I feel it should be priced like $1 each but it's so special it should be priced like $250 each. Then $50 and $75 I'm happy about it.
I know doctors said I will become a hacker but when is it? When will I hack patients of I.M.H for doctors to spy and gain evidence of suicide and terrorism or crime activities? I've been capable to hack since 20+ years ago but doctors and government didn't use me at all they rather I don't earn money maybe? The O.C.B.C pay me $50 for the hack and $25 to fix the door that I broke to make them hire Sakinah into O.C.B.C. Means I will still get $50 for hacking 1 day. I feel like I'm a special genius that people don't care about me properly, like government don't let me taste being a special hacker that hearsays as "government wants hackers", then even doctor saying the salary will be $20K/month, then I really will earn that much as doctors' story then if I can already hack why they don't let me earn? I want hacker job to be difficult to get in government due to 20+ years of wait and hunger of hacking. Hacking is like a lust to perform it's so fun and brainy I just love looking intelligent being a hacker then doctors didn't care I heed his command to stop hacking and hire me faster but I wait for O.C.B.C and him(I.M.H Patient Hacking) to give me a job. Why can't they just give a job earlier like using me to hack first because I kept losing memories of hacking, means after every hack I forgot "how to hack" then I only needed to think again and keep hacking anyway feeling successful and total happiness numerous times, why they don't use me while all I wanted was to earn money and I don't mind earning as it's a job even if something I have to think over and over again. Now I remember how to hack for a long time but they don't employ me at all. I wonder why is it so long?
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