I have been walking around a lot in my room, I took video of my own room living on a slim mattress like I.M.H, but I hope like getting pahala like sleeping like Rasullullah s.a.w on the floor kind of feelings.
I wonder about the emptiness of my room, I am really shocked my parents letting me continue working and take medication as the main goal while I miss a lot of life experiences and good moments without Wahdiah or Shahridah in my life, it's so self-damaging the anger and Alisha is safe and sound this Hari Raya too, it's weird like doctors don't care about me as fact because actually they only gave me medicines for me to eat and I've been caring myself while my parents gives money for medicine for the status as "caring me", I wonder why it's so sad like this, is it anhedonia killing my happiness? Hari Raya is like another meaningless moment of my life, I really don't know how to ask for forgiveness and what to say, I'm so old but nothing to say it makes like not wanting to go jalan Raya but I want the Ayam Masak Merah at my nenek's house usually have it, it's so hard my life like I am not stable even in Hari Raya.
I wonder what others feel during Hari Raya, my life is loss of pleasure from anhedonia then I feel nothing even in Hari Raya, I wonder how many Hari Raya does Sakinah remembers me, does Wahdiah and Shahridah remembers me every Hari Raya too? It's so sad I remember I threw away stuff that Shahridah gave me for believing Alisha then she's angry and sad about it, I wonder why she doesn't try to comfort me but let me be thinking badly about her, Alisha such a bitch mouth I think, I really don't care even if her parents know I'm still angry at her. No one can return me my loss of experiences for so many years. It's sad like if Dajjal don't exist then have Alisha it's just as bad because I lost over $200 spending to places her mouth says, it's sad I didn't spend my life and I can't think well, then my parents didn't really guide me when I am schizophrenic letting me independent and losing a lot of my money. None of them speak of Sakinah and letting my love story be meaningless, I'm turning 38 and an angry person as fact, I cannot recover from the loss of experiences in my life.
Tomorrow I will not be going sembahyang Raya because my energy is not like that, it's just too tough, I ever commit to Islam properly then growth of heat in my body happens and I start getting illusions and visions that ruin my mind, my peace was fake and I was unhappy and unstable in my mind, it don't make sense that I can even get Sakinah if Allah created me unstable, I still feel I must learn Psychology to become mentally stronger and I should just forget about Sakinah as fact because I'm too weak in reality about my health, it's useless my parents or family don't talk about her to energize me but let it be this way, none of them love me the way I feel I should be feeling, like lots of effort for Sakinah, then it didn't happen.
I'm definitely in misery and a lot of loss of fun and happy experiences for over 15 years, I really can't recover from this even thinking in May I will be over about anhedonia, it's still a struggle to go through for another 1 month+. It's so hard and I am still shocked and surprised why nobody cares about me, what does the quantity of reader means, especially when it became so small only 5? Why Sakinah still live her life and not care about me?
April will be the moment I will save up money, then me having to work for 1 month isn't it actually bad a schizophrenic like me still hearing voices until now have to work? Even if I can ignore the voices, why are they doing this to me like creating me to become independent? I really am struggling and they don't care just talking about Allah like Allah helps when as fact taking medicine then decreases the pain and loss in life I think.
I have no one to talk to except blogging and hope my parents become nicer for months, then nothing happens I really should be planning something else in life, this life is too difficult, they are like anticipated to create anger-causing sentences and my heart feels unwell just thinking about it, I am not stable at all and they making me work hard on my own, maybe because Hisyammuddin achieved this phase of life I have to go through the same pain? Why they won't create ease for me in life?
I hate the ruling of not being given money, it's like a reason i feel tortured and I hate how doctors didn't help me get money for my life to be lighter, a lot of schizophrenics live a nicer life than mine and maybe they don't even live in a 2-storey house but their life is easier than mine, I wonder why my parents do this to me, it is meaningless torture and unnecessary pain created to build inside me, the anhedonia creates insanity that feels suicidal and I receive no treatment to feel stable but just the same medicine, just having to believe doctor is right that this is the only medicine I need, I'm suffering even if I take medications for days. It's too tough my life why someone just don't give me the taste of feeling rich that doesn't end in months, I didn't get to feel rich for years but just 1 month of my brother given me $1000. It's too much the weight they let me have in life, and I'm carrying it all alone.
I'm thinking of how to live a life without Sakinah but then my eyes keeps rolling around like I became temporary insane as I imagine my life without her at all, but true reality it have to be that way, I have to live without Sakinah at all. I don't want to love her until in pain but it happens to me, Allah doesn't love me at all but just give me weight in life, nobody wants to create ease for me except from my brother which feels very temporary, a lasting peace about money doesn't happen because I have to imagine myself working hard and mixture of recovery from the weight of medicine and life, I really going through this life while people let me imagine days of receiving money like a countdown instead, they treat it as game instead and not caring me like an urgent moment and appear to help, I really am suffering in my life and pretending everything is normal like they pretend I should be doing whatever I'm doing, the toughness and being put to feel more weight of life on purpose, nobody cares even if 20+ viewers exist in my blog.
I just feel like I can give up on Sakinah 1 day, but I don't know how, I only need to self-damage to end my effort for her because it would be impossible to marry her anymore, it's like masturbating to her sister(that she don't have any) then marry her then have a child with her, I definitely will ruin myself until killing my chance of a love story but I don't know when. I'm tired thinking of Sakinah, 1 month of Ramadan of thinking more of her actions doesn't do anything to me, I can forget her maybe 1 day but Alisha have known of her name then it became voices that I can't forget, I painfully think of Sakinah every day and I should just kill the chances of being happy with her to focus my energy on life like money and lifestyle, holidays to go too. Nobody cares but want me to "become a Man", they don't care I have schizophrenia but want me to effort like someone that's not sick. Hisyammuddin is higher weight and more muscles maybe caused him able to survive the hardship phase, it's really crazy they really not supporting me at all, I have to rely on my brother's money for now until I can earn more than $1000 again like teenage days. This is stupid life given to me that I have to take just to survive.
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