I really don't know what to do, my last TikTok Video is 0 views too, I think my writing kinda triggered people to view video or because the description is boring, I am really hoping for some kind of communication with someone but I don't know who is it, maybe they're my far relatives but I don't know why like no one reads me. I planned a forum for family and relatives but then nobody made me into such energy during my boredom days, no one visit the forum too, like no one cares or people looks like too old to understand how to use Android too, life's really boring and none of them can get me Sakinah anyway.
I don't know why my parents don't treat my love seriously, they don't try to calm me down about getting Sakinah, then they also didn't try to make me less worry of Wahdiah and Shahridah, they let me live my life like nothing had happened and I'm okay being alone, maybe because of the weird "relationship in Islam is Haram", then people just know faces then marry then naked? It's weird if they don't allow expression of love first to not help me, I think doctors really not helping me at all as they live life normally as a doctor status and no updates about Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah, none of them helped me anything which is sad. I just remain hopeful for some kind of miraculous help or someone became understanding to tell me they know what I want in life, and then they give reasons instead of being quiet.
My life is dull macam tak bermakne, my mother macam takde perasaan risau that I don't have Wahdiah, Shahridah or Sakinah, but she just live her life the same everyday, she didn't comfort me at all I'm feeling it's like an additional pain instead of their quietness of this matter, there's no topic ever existed about any of them and I'm just left alone wondering how my future will become, thinking of money, thinking of anhedonia, thinking if games really can fill my life and time, nobody helped me anything except the money from my brother, it feels like both alot and little at the same time due to Alisha mentioning about $10K, making me imagine how life suddenly can become easy, then life's really hard still.
I wonder why none of my family members business or something, like something a family can work together on, I became a useless person, they even allow and let working as a cleaner, they don't make me feel special at all, it's like I have no schizophrenia and a PES B or A person, they really considered me like someone fit and capable of working and getting money on my own, it's been more than 15 years but they are like this to me, I wonder why nobody help me talk to them, like let them with their decision, it is weird nobody cares about me, I really don't know what to do. Suicide is my only wish because my family is meaningless to me already, it's ruined anyway, I maybe should work as a cleaner as I feel like everyone don't care about images that we get if kahwin and break up, suddenly the image of a nice family became tak cantik then it's hard if my brother is the one that give me money then experience a divorce also, cant really say anything or won't get money maybe. It's hard I don't feel energetic about family life anymore, it's like actually okay to have more tattoos and not care about perfection of a family that others ambitious about too.
I feel that my tattoos are not complete anyway, I wanted a full hand but it didn't happen, it's weird why nobody cares about me, they even let me live with my teeth have holes, my family don't care about taking me to dentist to fix my teeth, I don't wear braces too means they don't care people say things about me, they just let me live this life feeling ugly and become rotten, my family is like torturous to me I don't know what they are saving money for, the only cure for schizophrenia is the medicine that is from I.M.H it's like they hopeful for a sudden cure to exist and buy it, they definitely have such amount of money but keeping it away from me. My sisters also enjoy their life more but it looks like sacrificial or little like the Maggie my 2nd sister ate during 1st day of puasa, it's weird they making their life hard on purpose when actually they have been living a nicer experiences kind of life.
I'm let to suffer missing a lot of niceness in life. My parents spend to Batam but then don't give me money, if paying for my journey to Batam they have money, but if I don't go I don't get the ticket money amount too, it's weird they just cutting the pleasures off my life. Suicide is the best decision I can think about. I wonder if Ayatul Kursi necklace really is a magical thing then if I really still can die as fact, the only thing is about fear of heights I can't die from high level the easiest death to perform.
I don't know why I am living this meaningless corrupted family kind of life, the perfection of a nice family been gone and my family is spoiled, how can I even get Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah? What if they compare me badly I'm definitely grown up to become a useless person, schizophrenia killed my life experiences and I did not feel a lot of fun like everyone else. They ate more nice food than me but weird food is their own fault like wasting money on siput sedut etc. I think it's all stupid way to spend money but they rather do that than giving me.
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