I'm lucky I got it on video, the boy playing at end of stairs.
I now feel less energetic to write because I don't feel like my soulmate knows my life anymore, means nobody watched video means I'm just going to let it continue, and post more videos anyway 1 day to frequent use of TikTok as I have no life.
Today I'm happier abit because I feel like playing games which is rare, anhedonia got my life already then today I feel like playing games, I'm so lucky then I guess.
Because nobody actually read me and my soulmate don't know my video, I feel like I'm just not writing anymore blogs but the counts of days are important, so maybe I will recount again at notes. I'm so lonely Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah not around, if I died just now or in hospital would they cry for me? I guess they wouldn't even know because nobody looked at my video I post. I wonder what's my writing about then why it gains viewers if nobody attention at my post?
It's like manipulative to write instead as I need the attention so that my parents will become nicer to me, I hate the strictness about money then I assume no one is helping me, I know 1 day if I became successful alone I would self-damage and ruin myself, means if nobody really support me just giving me ideas like I have gotten the correct attention, even if I don't suicide it's a deadly life journey, I don't know why but getting money makes not having tattoos as something, I really feel like if I survive myself and earn $1000+/mth without money from my parents, I would still create tattoo unless someone help me again, I gave up, I think my tattoo would be "I hate Sakinah" because she don't know about me as fact, and i wasted my time, I thought would see her active online but shes not. She don't care about me maybe just living with having a story that someone love her that's all.
Feel like ruining myself as nobody cares it's like story to believe that Ayatul Kursi necklace really saved me something like that, to believe having it makes getting money as fact but if I don't? If I still experience difficulty in life? Definitely Muslims just been cheated about zikir and Dua to become darjat tinggi, then actually people just want to create "Ingat Allah" as fact but make-up stories about Asma-ul-Husna is special power that if zikir will get something, I've done millions of times I guess then still nothing in my life, I give up already.
Yesterday I dreamt of a crazy boy that liked his chest touched and he feel sort of high, to imagine a girl feeling like that, then I woke up from my dream, it's weird dream but I didn't become gay at all.
Maybe it's anhedonia that created such weird dreams to occur, because of loss of pleasure and an unspotted allergy(because grow to itch my body), and the medicine have "if have rashes to tell doctor", maybe the itches is the medicine allergy but nobody cares anyway.
I don't know puasa got people into what kind of feelings in life, my life merana and nobody cares they still focus on Ramadan, Solat, Zikir, Dua, the outcome of a better life is from being given money but people want me to believe like that, after I have believed I feel like a fool for doing it 1 year+ until I hard to stand(so I can't Solat), then I stop, I really Solat sunat etc. last time, then I stopped because it made me feel hotter and in pain in life. I truly gave up, using Allah in telling to do things is just to get a version of "looking good soul" in life I guess. What people get are not from prayers but from effort but they continue to torture my life making me stress about money, only my brother is not enough to calm and ease my heart, Alisha really got to ruin my mind when she say $10K then I imagined money to ease my life, it's stupid as fact I don't have anyone at all?
I took out $80 just now due to worried about money finishing, now it's $480+ inside my bank, it's really dangerous like imagine +$144 still doesn't satisfy me, then +$100 for I.M.H Research, then I still see myself as poor, why people don't let me feel a richer life like they are capable of? People have own children to care but only my brother gives me money. My parents don't give me money, I don't know what happened to the money earned like not meant for their children, if they don't care about me why they have a son? If Life is about taking medicine if medicine is more expensive why they can't give me money instead? I remember medicine was $70+ then the injection is $313+ if see doctor, it's $200+ more/mth that they actually have but they can even put aside for me $100-$300/mth, I have to suffer in life thinking how to get money, I really feel like parents is 1 of the reason I become mentally unstable, because of lokek duit, then they just pretend it's nothing wrong and assume it's the best way of living life like this. I'm made to be sick additionally from them as fact, then just living life like nothing wrong too "if don't get money" since N.S. Even N.S days I earn money from Guard Duty, my parents should support me with the little money government gave but they didn't support me at all.
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