:(

It's hard like Sakinah don't care at all, I wonder where she's been if it's not been for me, she wouldn't work at O.C.B.C, I remember I hack for her to enter the job, it feels like remembering Wahdiah and Shahridah too I offered to hack for free I think, they both still all working at the dreamy feelings of my hacking actions, I definitely remember now that I'm someone that can hack. Then now I have to move on after making 3 girls richer than me personally. Even if my house is bigger, they are richer than me definitely, I don't know how to get a girl already, if have to wait until I become a doctor, it's better to forget it, it's not love like that, it's money and status, doctor ever said I will become future President of Singapore, I became wanting to make it match and clear to happen, my energy is Ex-President Mdm Halimah Yacob, she really admired by me about her effort last time was a cleaner then became successful, this means if I'm a dishwasher now and they don't want me, why would I want to be with them then?

There'll become a day I won't tell Sakinah anything anymore, my presence won't exist anymore in her life then I wonder what she would be doing, if I didn't open the door she wouldn't get her job at O.C.B.C, I heard their discussion she actually got rejected, then I loss my memory then thinking it's a dream, but I definitely met Sakinah before in M.R.T.

I think just going to self-damage and marry (R) she ever promised to appear during my O level anyway, then have life with me the entire year, wherv in 2028 or 2029 she will enter prison by her ex-boyfriend or husband that will tell police about her by contacting drug suppliers to tell about her. Blog writing is meaningless now, nobody cares I became just writing around anyway, my parents not giving me money at all, even every Hari Raya I didn't get money from my parents, it's weird but it's like that my life, when I'm a low achiever i get nothing, when I'm an ace kind of achiever I get nothing too, it's not worth it performing anything for my family I think.

I just have 2 more jobclub days left then work as dishwasher, it's really annoying to become nobody and just having Sakinah in my mind, I have no where to forget her because Alysha found out about her and her name became the voices I hear sometimes, it's sad it's like that. What am I going to do in life turning 40 without Sakinah?

She didn't give me a special appearance like I hope during my sickness she would appear, the pain is painful and I'm not a dramatic person, so it really sucks to be experiencing love all alone. Maybe 17 November story been story of Alysha and Sakinah don't love me at all, it's just too bad my life, imagining her love for so many years, without knowing if she's gotten married or have a children already, her actions definitely to a journey of having children with "Iman", name of Fandi Ahmad's daughter, they share the same name.

I really don't know what to do, my life focus is left to be just doing my work, and that's all, I have no time for Sakinah soon, then I don't have time next year because of O level, then I have no time 2028 because of A level, it means if I entered prison and still love her, my life is still the same it's like that, it's like wasting time in prison this schizophrenia, it's like a life sentence of multiple loss in life, my journey in life are not supported by my parents and after so many years I get $1000 but from my brother, a big money that's not from my parents, I really don't know what they are thinking, they really not supporting and being nice at all, I think I'm going crazy and committing suicide too, it's been over 20 years waiting for a hacker job but doctor didn't give me, he let me loss memory but force into ward every 29th June without caring that I feel tortured, schizophrenia is a torture in life, I shouldn't be with Sakinah unless she have schizophrenia and understand the pain, she's useless as fact, she did nothing while I pour my love and what I have(my psychic doctors) to spend time on her needs in life, I think I should stop telling her anything about me anymore like no news, but when my heart feels easy to not write anything when I'm occupied with work, what a useless torturous life.