I wonder about my life if I won't have any friends anymore because it's been over 10 years I live a difficult life alone and nobody wants to know about my health and updates, I really live like a zombie collecting stuff, like a karang guni, then someone like me like became crazy, then now thinking of marriage like who would think I can be well and healthy. Just my history of ever gone to school, I have the healthy or okay period of life then most of the time I am schizophrenic instead. Wonder why crazy and schizophrenia are 2 different things, crazy are usually said as hearing voices then ever since I have schizophrenia, then schizophrenia is the one said as hearing voices, I think there's no way to be thought of as someone sane, maybe there's story of my life somewhere in Woodlands I imagine like people see me as someone crazy a little bit or messy, maybe there's a group conversation topic about me somewhere I imagine, because I used to collect unfinished tobaccos at top of dustbin to roll to smoke.
It's like someone like me can be known as not sleeping peacefully as fact just by looking at the wear I wear, I easily broke spectacles in the past when I didn't take my medicine, I will lose memory awhile when holding the specs, something like that then became too hard on it or just drop and breaks it, I feel schizophrenic life without medicine is like a piecing together of items even using glue and scotch tape as long as I can use the items I need, I even scotchtape plastic bag to reuse them, I wonder why Sakinah let me live such a life and not help me out, I definitely became like a beggar scent maybe, because of going to dustbin alot to pick cigarettes. How someone like me will even get married I could be famous somewhere in woodlands about being a picker of litter(tobaccos)? I even thought I got the name as "bug man" for picking insects. I wonder why my bicycle was dismantled I used to have a box on top then it got taken off and I can't use it anymore. I wonder why the ease of life gone like nothing.
I maybe became a familiar face in woodlands without my knowledge, just someone maybe hearsay as "tak waras sikit", "gila sikit" even? I really don't know I was really bad lifestyle. Maybe the coffee shop feel I am a little bit crazy too. It's weird I just got lucky maybe to not become a newspaper story of a man living like old people that picks up stuff from garbage.
I don't see how I survive the bad experience maybe it was like 3 months of picking stuff? Or even more? Then I got warded every 29th June anyway. I really don't have a lover that cares about my life and let be to be suffering, just always have a heart in love with the same girl but living life like a beggar wishing she knows, I didn't know she knows when I don't take my medicine, I would forget that I have ever told her I love her. I wonder what other memories I have forgotten it seems the same story over and over in my blog.
I wonder what new stories I have everytime I blog, why doctor would read it without talking to me, what health condition can doctor discover from my writings?
The sufferings in schizophrenia without medicine - like a crazy insane man then somehow nobody cared to approach to support me like giving some money too in Singapore I'm let be picking things up from everywhere in Woodlands. I really picked alot of stuff everywhere.
The sufferings in schizophrenia with medicine - anhedonia, hard feelings at head/brain or heart, walking a lot until leg pain and dark vision often happens.
I hope I become stable like my neighbours, no anhedonia, once can easily laugh something it means maybe I'm recovering, it feels like lazy to talk in January, when I actually out of Ward in August, it's still 4 more passed then I was still very weak, now it's Mid March I'm stronger abit to talk a lot more. My sufferings are not cared by people or groups that help people financially, I really didn't get any money except the Vouchers and Budget Package, it's really bad why is government not seeing schizophrenia as something that require more money to taste life, why Wahdiah, Shahridah and Sakinah didn't offer to give me money to try enjoy some life feelings but I just became a survivor thinking it's zombie apocalypse(I really thought zombies exist) and world is at war and everyone living a survivor life like time to collect things to create weapons to fight off the zombies, why doctors didn't approach and tell but I live such adventurous walks everytime thinking there's zombies at corner turns of wall sometimes?
Did doctors really let me have the fun feelings of collecting stuff and thinking there's zombies? The enjoyment is like: 1 day I will survive and living to save Sakinah from evil zombies, we bump into each other became surviving together and live a couple love life due to the difficulties we shared - then in reality Sakinah been working O.C.B.C earning thousands of dollars and I'm like in a private enjoyment thinking life is like a movie of zombie and survival.
Why doctors didn't send anyone to guide me? Why I was let be?
I became answering random questions on TikTok video about zombie "3 things to bring" something like that thinking a ration is on the way to me with the items I picked. I thought real life should be sent Ration then its corruption that people are let to suffer "the heat" that I named as Suntricity, I think it's what all schizophrenia feels, it makes the body movement like messy and angry easily because of this hot feelings, that we are looked at as normal temperature, but it's so hot like a lot of anger and seeing things that's orangey(sunlight kind of pain feels too high/magnified). I wonder when someone will guide me in life, I am going through jobclub so early even when I remember I thought my families are not my bloodline when I haven't came out of ward and already on medications?
It's weird, inside Ward I feel there's Dajjal illusions playing with my eyes, I see vision of my father but in red colour, then I thought it's torchlight and filmed into my room, then it became like a hologram that everyone can see but pretend there's nothing, I see things like that, I even just remembered I thought I am in a coma and I'm currently dreaming, when the pain is too much I thought I'm dreaming this life, while in a coma. Just now my mind went blank, I thought life should be happier or more pleasant and it's too much pain, I wonder if it's reality all the bad feelings I feel then nobody cares.
I wonder how my schizophrenic neighbours can talk and laugh normally while if I laugh it's like my mind causing it, there's no joke conversation or something to really laugh, I feel like everything is not funny, I really think they treat me bad, but when I remember my brother, it's actually good just that maybe I worry too much or panic too fast, I really feel helpless and wanted more like imagination of "no worries of money anymore" to occur in my life then it didn't happen. I really wish my life is like Hisyammuddin suddenly receiving $10K then work McDonalds until work S.M.R.T then gain a driving license, I really at the phase of endurance like he went through before but I don't know why nobody help me like giving me a lightness in life like my brother, the more help the lighter I will feel but it's like this.
The feeling of laughing at a joke or something funny, is maybe normal or reaching a type of feeling that schizophrenia don't exist? I laugh by myself but it's due to imagination. This medicine is really bad with goodness I don't feel something to be laughing about, I don't get funny easily like no sense of humour anymore, schizophrenia made me like a dull person that's boring.
I remember I thought of buying a small tv, small sofa in room, then play console on tv, then live life like luxurious gamer room to feel a lot of comfort while resting on sofa. Then I imagine lizards walking on sofa, then i became okay I don't have it, because they will walk on sofa. I wanted a carpet in my room too so my walks became not so painful as it's stone floor, I really search for a lot of comfort from little pain that if collection of it is truly painful or disturbing.
Lately I've been writing blogs at night too, it still makes me wonder if Sakinah reads and always with me somehow, I really need her attention or mind or plan for me in my life, I really can't think well but doctors letting me live like this like I do my best thinking myself then really I think by myself, nobody is helping me anything except my brother but money can finish or decrease or be panic if feel it's little, $1000 is a lot and it feels different back then, I really have used up alot when thinking of research money being $100 and allowance(still haven't get), then it only add up "to be like half of $1000", means its like I spend $310(console)+$300 because +$100 and +$144 = $550+. It's really crazy, it's around $250 added then it's only $550+, means I like finished nearly $600 or what? It's so harsh my life why is it like this?
Tomorrow is Tuesday, Sakinah's 2nd day of the week, and I'm moving on like never getting her to be living like that, as my goal to just live my life "of not meeting Sakinah anymore entire life", it's so hard I really then think about wanting to become a grandparent then still lead me back to wanting to marry someone, it's suicidal if I marry a random girl, but if it's a good girl? Life can become different. It's like luck of arranged marriage. I really have nobody to try such luck, I just want a cute baby that grow up to make me a grandparent. Hahaha.
This is the longest writing ever like, total of all, it's the longest writing day of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment