Day 215 outside ward(263 on medications)

My Simba data usage: 366mb/400gb.

It's really a fresh reset and new feeling of life.

I wonder for how long I would be doing this like writing data usage because too happy I'm using Simba with a nice number: 80244202.

It's like really no friends read because I posted number alot of times then maybe they got tired I have schizophrenia then I can't recover. Wanting the feeling of being outside ward makes me take medicine daily, I just took it just now abit late 9.30+a.m but I'm okay it's because I woke up late. Yesterday I drank 3 redbull but I ate melatonin and lorazepam making me able to sleep still.

The way the O.T talk to me yesterday like I would have to continue working jobclub even in April, it's because the salary being given 1-15 on 22nd and 16-30 on 7th, I really hope the worksite visit is really something, the plan to make me work there is too sudden I hear from O.T because it's Hari Raya, I worry it would be April then. It's too long to get the more than $1000/mth salary I wonder why I am too weak to work properly and rely on jobclub.

I really believe the suicidal feelings been from the medicine because it created anhedonia then I feel dull and like loss of pleasure, like I feel nothing in life, I know I would be okay once they change to Risperidone because in the past I took Risperidone and I can joke and be happy, this one is like somewhere swells my body parts, that it's not funny, maybe it created me fat too? I know in the past i was in relationship with Wahdiah and i eat Risperidone means schizophrenia can still be in relationship and be normal person, but it's weird I kept forgetting I was on medicine maybe it's like a dark feeling that I don't want to remember because I'm someone that cant live without the medicine.

I really feel it's too much like I got anhedonia then it makes me feel because of being spiked so low, maybe it promotes the pain or insanity to occur in my mind, then I can't really be okay unless I take more of the drug that I've been spiked, it "lose the feeling completely" instead of it hanging around then when I think again, it's too much the hotness, yesterday I drank cold water then I feel fine, it's like the spike still exist and I really need cold water to feel stable. I'm so unhappy about it.