Every Saturday I plan to jog I guess alone every morning, doing 3 rounds at Tekong Park then I'm done. It's still close to 19th June the day I maybe get a lot of cash from people because pity money, those that claim have black magic on me last time planning to give me money, I really don't believe but think it's pity money, but hope they don't give a feeling like Alisha like hopeful for money from my mother.
I don't know what's causing me to feel like insane, schizophrenia really have suicidal as symptom and it's weird my 2 neighbours with schizophrenia looks fine and can live their life. The way they live their life looks like they don't have anhedonia too, like watering plants and caring their children, the happiness required to do that is like a needed pleasure then can do it, it's like I can't game if I have loss of pleasure, while when I don't have it I can game. I also know the moments I will be fine and it's in May 2026, then the suicidal feelings will be gone too, it's like I can't have any pleasure in life, maybe it's a secret or allergy that's not spotted but why doctors don't care of my anhedonia?
Doctors being psychic but I have to tell or say it out?
Tomorrow I will get to know my working days at Tampines, then 19th March maybe my last day of work at Jobclub(I.M.H), it feels cool being a life of earning from working in I.M.H, like someone that have a nice mental state of mind instead of mental sickness. It's really troublesome if my thinking is that I really look like someone with mental sickness, but when look at the other patient at jobclub, he still looks like a mental patient, it's harsh I really want to look normal I wonder how will it happen. Maybe I need to wear like hair wax or hair gel so I become neater in my looks? It's really hard I really want a stable mind too.
Is it the medicine that created me suicidal thoughts? It's like music of ecstacy causing the energy of committing suicide, like techno music, it's weird I feel that way. Maybe anhedonia and suicidal thoughts are really from the medicine, but it will sound like I won't eat medicine but psychic exist to say it out for me I guess if they know, I am just creating myself a higher stability by eating this anhedonic and suicidal medicine, I really feel like I can work, if I walk around a lot until my legs pain, the voices gets stronger too.
The dreams mix up creating my heart like ache thinking of business money in secondary days, then it's like something stuck in my heart that won't go away, it's like something hard like imagining a solid type of wind or bubble, I wonder what it is, it's just something not nice in my heart making me feel like dying. I really think doctors feel it's fine I have no allergy in the medicine but what if it's the cause of anhedonia and catatonia? Like I keep stopping just because I feel uneasy? What if it's actually a love sickness?
I hope jogging will make me recover my life, and don't feel suicidal due to the health benefit from it, Saturday maybe is Hari Raya so I can't jog this week, so maybe next week I will start this other kind of healthy lifestyle. I hope I don't feel suicidal because of this thing in my heart or heavyweight something in my brain, somehow psychics should know if I will commit suicide or not, but I didn't attempt anyway, it's like due to creating ownself feel more suicidal, to flirt continuously in public like something that's not my character, attitude or personality, just to be rejected then to commit suicide for making ownself in shame, the energy required is something like that then it's something I didn't do. I don't know why doctors let me feel like wanting to die, why they just didn't change my medicine to Haloperidol or Risperidone, like "worried" I would skip medications so need the 4-weekly injections, I really don't know why they have to feel worried when they are psychics knowing I would actually take my medicine this year due to over 20 years of playing around with my life like skipping medicines, they ever said 38 years old I will recover then it's 3 more months I'm 38 years old, means if I recover doesn't it mean I really take my medicine?
It's weird like heartless of who is reading me, is it someone that cares or just collecting writings? What does my writing benefit to other people's lives? Why do people hang around on my Facebook to see my blog? I know I keep the website on my TikTok and Facebook because I plan on doing advertisement earnings in blog, then it's not working because my blog have no unique content, it's weird but that's the answer to the "no earning for now".
My chest feel like bigger and heavy, then my stomach is round like I have no abs, I think I'm not caring my body properly. I've decreased the exercises to at least 100 side legs lifting and 100 arm balling. It really feel like meaningless the exercises.
I really need to communicate with someone or else my mind really goes crazy and like something stuck in my brain, or I just need to blog to feel ease from it, I wonder why it's like that mental sickness. I feel if I make myself neat and bath every morning, I maybe will recover from mental sickness, but then the feelings to not do them are from hearing voices that creates physical pain and heat to my body, like growing my heart into a boiling anger then causing me hard to move about(maybe it's called catatonia), I really think I should just take the medicine so bathing is easier for me. My hair starting to grow long and I plan to cut before start of Hari Raya, it's really hard to move about feeling sadness and angry at the same time, I am not stable in my mind for another 2 months maybe? 23rd March is in 1 week, my Injection, it's really going to end soon.
I don't know why Ayatul Kursi necklace didn't make me dream of future or ways to earn money, I really want to believe it have benefits like "getting money into my life" like people will give and I can save them, it's weird I'm surviving on my own like this.
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