I feel weird

Tomorrow is the first energy of a solo life to do in my life, I will be working after so long many years of in house? I have given up about waiting for Sakinah or even remembering Wahdiah as she didn't appear back into my life, like Aby(Shahridah) got her status as Mdm. already, everyone is gone and Sakinah considered as never talked to me before so I should assume that she's gone from my life. The only thing in my memory is my dream it's the same as last year I dreamt of Sakinah and Wahdiah appearing at my Tampines workplace. When I think again for Wahdiah it's been over 20 years and my parents didn't nothing for her to hold on, then the passcode if it's wanted to be exact then it's kind of too much, I have schizophrenia and shes being like this anyway. I think just summarizing like Wahdiah and Aby maybe have married and Sakinah made me clueless of her life, means I should just live on my life. Stories of doctors could just be a dream or words of Alisha instead to create berangan, then actually my life is over. I'm just a dishwasher soon 1 day then became a stupidified person with life wasted and just understanding people just respond in a way for a nice reflex and not with true feelings, I have no one helping me at all, tomorrow is the end of the pain of so many jobs then to move on in life, it's like collecting money to commit suicide instead, if schizophrenia have more chances of suicide and if clozapine is a tired feeling, schizophrenic don't want both to happen anyway, I really became a useless man imagining my future then I would probably shut down my blog. My memories of life making business then I was schizophrenic then doctor maybe not feeling anything about my loss in the past, then to understand it as something small but for a teenager to spend $50 to start a business it's a lot I think. I really wasted my life now that the business is no use in this era, nobody i.r.c anymore and to search for a girlfriend became harder, I became like a retard due to schizophrenia and definitely can't get any girl anymore.

I wonder why important post only 5 readers, is it even a reader or someone just clicking around, like morning to be 22 views today, it's maybe morning reflex of someone refreshing alot of times, I really have no idea who reads me, it's like I won't get any friends back at all too, I'm turning 38 in 3 months+ and I feel like shutting down my blog and just counting down myself, it's really suicidal feeling I suspect it causes anhedonia too, I really don't know what to do about my life.

I don't understand why success is the best revenge and there's no need to revenge, "penalty" exist for a reason, to gain back the happiness that's loss in life. It's really hard to believe if doctors really cares more than I imagine, because Hisyammuddin really got the girl of his wish, then it energizes me again that doctors maybe helping me too, but this time it's too slow and too late.

I feel it's like a murder to commit suicide because of the torturous feeling by the decisions of people as a group that knows I have schizophrenia, it's murderous to treat me this way, I only received money from my brother then that's all. People let me be created into imagining of getting money by Alisha and nobody is suing her, it's stupid my life, I became worse while Alisha is living her life, everyone is secretly being like an ass to me, they're not very nice in deciding my life.

I decided that Wahdiah and Shahridah as gone from my life forever then I will become uncontactable by them so they will understand what I feel, like a revenge if they feel love towards me, it's already painful that no effort happens to hang on, then I guess the end is the end, the future remains a lot of imagination by words of Alisha that still lives in my senses and my mind, I really became having no life because of Alisha. Sakinah is being selfish then I think should self-damage about her soon too, my future with them will be gone leaving Sakinah as the last girl to wait for, then she left herself without any clue for me, she's just being selfish about her life and I want to forget her it's not that I don't want to, my heart don't want to love her but then I cant do anything if I love.

My mind focus is just "to work, earn, collect money for suicide". They're all gone from my life if around maybe even I have self-damaged without their knowledge and my knowledge too, because schizophrenia really a lot of memory loss anyway. Nobody giving me money at all, I'm just surviving on my own becoming a man that earns money, instead of actively focusing on medication to recover first. I'm sad nobody cares and people just play with views quantity to mess my mind. I don't have the attention that's needed.

Goodbye then Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah, I wonder if Wahdiah and Shahridah will sue me for leaving them forever, my recovery they didn't come back and Alisha ruined my life and happiness, I think I will start to hate people around because I'm surviving on my own.