Tomorrow is my working day, then I have 3 left before working at Tampines. I hope I maintain my energy to go to work to earn money because I will be working at Tampines.
In my memory it is like I am going to become a nurse in I.M.H after working 3 months at there, I wonder what is real is it a dream or not? It's like I dreamt of my mother giving me $12 yesterday to go cut hair. The dream occur during my plan of cutting hair today, it's like a continuation of my reality life, then sometimes I will mix with dreams to understand it as reality.
I don't have memory gains anymore except maybe I have talked to Wahdiah's mother on the day I split up with her, but it's like a dream too, then maybe Wahdiah is the one that spoke to my mother, it's really harsh my dream confusion about which is reality and which is a dream. It was when I was 17 years old but I remember it.
Yesterday I hear voices saying "Allah", then I am thinking why I heard that instead of it being my memory that I would remember of Allah, it's like being reminded of Allah instead, I think when I hear voices I forget what I'm supposed to hear then I hear the voices? Then I think of it as memory back into me. Wonder why I memorize such a long statement or speech, it's weird my life is really crazy, schizophrenia really confused me then this anhedonia buat macam fikiran terbantot like I can't think well, it's so harsh, it's so long time to go when thinking of anhedonia to go away, maybe right now the medicine is finishing because my injection soon, then it's 18th March, thats why I feel like hard and harsh like hot too.
Today I'm going to cut my hair then hopefully I can dye my hair too, I really don't know what I feel, it's like heavy in doing many things, like heavy to talk in January then now March I can talk a lot more, it's really difficult my life and I'm surviving then thinking of recovery to be 38 years old if it is true, I really can't wait for it to happen and I want to be a stable minded person, when anhedonia goes away too in May, I'm definitely becoming a game addict, luckily by my birthday I will be healthier without anhedonia, I hope I don't get warded again and live life normally like Hisyammuddin, he went through this phase of life before and I find it really hard, me too last year was mixture of medicine overdose causing me not working at CleanMark Solutions and finished just on my first day.
I don't know what else I will remember in my life, it's like I'm stuck in the phase of remembering CleanMark Solutions by April then live my life normally, I remember I told the person I wanted to buy a console then this year I really brought it to work site and show the O.T. It's hard to remember so little and wanting to remember more to recover fast, just when Wahdiah or Shahridah will come back into my life? Why they don't mind the long duration while I mind the pain of waiting? What would Sakinah do for me to feel healthy why didn't she try to meet me every weekends is it because I'm unstable or just because she's not interested in me? It's weird my love story been ruined twice or thrice by Alisha then now I'm still in love with Sakinah then actually vision no future with her except remembering doctors' words that I will marry her but I don't know how it will happen, the feelings don't appear at all as true then I'm just thinking if it could be a dream too, it's hard schizophrenia I really wonder how my neighbours can be fine with having it over 10 years, then me in struggle(the only one struggling with schizophrenia) even if take medications, I really want to be stronger health like my schizophrenic neighbours, it's just weird how come they haven't recovered for so long(more than 10 years) taking medicine it became scary for me if I will be the same, the news of doctor saying I will recover at 38 years old makes it weird too like is it true, what's the difference I havent been taking medicine properly then in 1 year I take properly then suddenly I recover first before my neighbours?
Today is Wednesday, Sakinah's 3rd work day of week, I hope my writings energized her to feel happier at work because have a story to read and don't feel so much bored at work, I really miss her and it seems impossible that I can get her because of my mess during schizophrenic days: I think I can become someone famous in Woodlands for being "a little bit crazy" because of messy hair, scotchtaped spectacles, picking cigarettes at civic centre dustbin, carrying a lot of stuff on bicycle, carrying big stuff and walking at traffic light. I really ever turned into a mad man I think, it's hard why of all people then it's me becoming like this, like a famous crazy person in Woodlands that people judge as "not disturbing anyone" so they don't call I.M.H for it, it's weird I hope someone guide me in life and accompany my daily walks, but I became to become a worker at Tampines in April soon. Just 4 more working days then I'm a New Life! I hope I recover well but I don't have energy to move because I'm not given exploration(to City Hall) money by my parents, like the care is just living life normally instead of asking me if I'm okay always at home, the O.T also told me to walk around at Park to relieve stress and that's all. I wonder why it's like a retarded care, the medicine is just the correct thing but I have anhedonia from it and doctors don't care even until May is the meet-up without extra medicine to counter anhedonia. It's harsh I have to go through this life like this.
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