Today I still hear voices, I wonder if I will take O-level next year or keep working at Tampines for 3 years, it's really hard I have nothing to do, my life plans like a boring job to hang on to, I remember Abit that Sakinah maybe knows what I will be doing at work, then if she can keep in touch about me like that why wont she just keep in touch with me? I would feel better, stronger, happier, anhedonia really killed my life happiness, I realize if I shake my legs more the anhedonic feelings will go away, it's really hard I watch a video anhedonia is like a prison and I think it's true, it's a continuous feeling of dullness and boredom and stuck in body, maybe promoted the catatonia to happen too.
Why is it hard to get Sakinah, is it because it's okay because she really knows I love her a lot? It's been since baby days but I will say since kindergarten days as it makes sense that way, I wonder why she don't pity my small heart at that time and just be with me, it's been so many years she should be together with me. I imagine $1000 as salary then 9 months working is $9000 then Sakinah been working over 10 years means she have like $100K+ as savings, she's so far ahead of me I'm just remaining a useless guy just working as dishwasher 1 day. I don't know how Hisyammuddin focus on work at that time, I remember he just say to focus on work even if feel schizophrenic, then he can do it, why I imagine it's hard for me to do it then? Maybe his strength is more and naturally he's stronger at working physically.
The continuous dishwasher job is just placing of utensils and soaping some, then the other side is just picking of utensil and scrubbing some, then put inside a box. I really hope I survive this easy job because there's really no other jobs as easy as this. Why am I even having to pray to survive this kind of job is because of schizophrenia like a heavy feelings in my body. It's a lot of worry, I wonder if Sakinah can give me a shortcut in life like paying my ez-link to meet her everytime, I'm so lonely life like this, and a repetitive job too 1 day, I really must survive this difficult period of my life somehow, it's like a scary feelings in my heart if I cannot survive it.
Why Wahdiah and Shahridah isn't willing to pay for me to meet them up too? Are they actually ashamed of the standard I've become then I'm just a nothing kind of man? It's so scary to live with imagining holding $550+, then to survive life, like $110+ on cigarettes per month because 1 box now I can last for 4 days with the q.s inhaler. I know by May I would be okay surviving this hardship like a close one. I wonder why they won't just let me try have life and give me money but let me continue my life working and earning on my own? It's hard like this I have no break time in life at all, the mind thinks of schedules to go for then it's not really a nice rest during off days. I wonder how Hisyammuddin managed his life well, he got through this scary phase of life already and survived I surely want to be like him and survive too, it became like living life in a hardship, I wonder why my parents let me live my life this way, why they aren't really providing money but food at home and outside food only when they go Batam or Johor? It's really harsh the boring life, if I eat a lot of outside food I will become fat anyway so I don't really mind.
18 March is a happy feeling, tomorrow to imagine just 3 hours then it's 4 days more to work and injection, it's really a lot of rest as fact, but I really want to feel rested and supported like given money to live life while focus on medication, not to work while on medications, but I can't, my parents are not like that and I wonder why Sakinah as my soulmate can't provide such support for me too, I really not been having my life, if visiting her daily at work is like life to me too, I'm really sad it's been so many years that I don't remember ever talking to her, then suddenly remember again. It's always the same writing I don't know how many times, I really need to keep remembering so I maintain a stronger person, not like my heart weaken by no way to reach Sakinah, I don't know why but Wahdiah and Shahridah feels like not coming back too and at the same time maybe I'm in delusion that they will come back into my life. It's such a strong panic to go through in life, I wonder what kind of support I can have, it's really working in April for 3 days then 2 days off then 5 days work and continuously like that? I really just lose my life into working? But having money is something important to get what I want, but Hisyammuddin was having $10K while working, then he's not really worried like me, I'm really different difficulty, my house is bigger but my difficulty is more, it's sad my parents lied to me about money, I really don't know what to do so they make life easier for me, I don't care about the unfairness but they should treat me something nice in life too like a long hardship imagination goes away, I really hard to cope like this.
Maybe I should go cut hair now, I really don't know it just feels boring and sad having to spend $10+ on haircut, haha. I really surviving my life this way, it's cheap but for others it's nothing, if compared to me I feel like a cheapskate person it's hard to fork out money nowadays not like last time. My life is made difficult on purpose without a good reason, I hope my parents becomes more caring towards me as money is the point to ease pain not that I don't take medications anyway.
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