Day 219 outside ward(267 on medications)

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir & Batin! Anhedonia makes me feel nothing about it, I just hope the visits will be over soon then done, it's so boring I really don't know what to do.

Just now I dreamt about drugs and sleeping pills, dreamt of Heryadi that created me sleepy from drugs. In the dream I feel sleepy wanted to wake up but in reality I am supposed to be sleepy but then I woke up, it's weird I feel that way, if Allah bangunkan dan tidurkan, just now is like Allah waking me up from sleep. There's nothing really important anyway it's just Hari Raya.

Life feels occupied and fast, today is already Saturday and tomorrow is Sunday then my working day again, it's so boring it's over so quickly, didn't really feel the rest days properly.

My recovery is little, I am not satisfied I'm still feeling like memory loss happens, even after 200+ days outside ward, it's like 1st week kind of feelings outside ward, I really miss my time outdoor a lot, I don't know why it's like this but it just feels special to be outside ward like something rare, when I think about it, people don't care I experience 1.5mths inside ward, the boredom feeling is crazy and they let me experience it willingly, they didn't try to put me out of ward even after I understood that I need to take the medications, it's harsh the treatment it's like the maker of insanity, the experience.

I imagine why my parents didn't remind me that I can use phone inside ward, I'm let to be using nothing that entire 1.5mths and feeling the loneliness inside ward, I miss Sakinah in ward and my body feels too weak to even have her as my girlfriend, the chances becomes nothing and something hopeless. I sometimes wish Sakinah would suddenly appear in my life making me happy but she experience a moment that I am required to go jobclub, then work first, then she really can't appear in my life because of full time job, I feel now that its impossible to have her and I should move one once anhedonia have been recovered in May. I feel that she's heartless that even weekends she don't meet me up, her niece maybe have grown stronger to move about but she still don't care about me, she can spend time with her niece everyday but she can't spend time with me everyday and she didn't choose me and theres no sympathy in her decision, I'm really left alone for years.