Like ok to not be married

From young until now I've never ask for forgiveness from my parents during Hari Raya, if I get married I would think of words to say, then it's actually lighter life like nothing to say to my parents-in-law, I really have no idea of the feeling of Hari Raya in asking for forgiveness, since kid I never did it before, then I assume it's common sense to forgive anyway then it should be alright.

I am like this then wonder why doctor said(or it could be Alisha!) that I would become right hand man of Imam Mahdi at 44 years old and longest President of MUIS, will I really become someone so smart and somebody in the Islam World? As far as I know, my only commitment that's like a dying commitment is the ayatul kursi necklace, it's the only thing that looks like I totally believe in Dua and Zikir and Benefits of Wearing such Necklace. The benefit definitely is something about becoming richer in life, then it seem like it doesn't happen in my life, then protection from evil doers, then the voices I still hear again anyway, means its not functioning like we understood of what ayatul kursi can give, my prayers/Dua should be answered much faster but it's the same too, I wonder why.

At what age I will be well from schizophrenia and going to Masjid every weekend learning Islam stuff? I really see myself as a normal person that's nothing like I cannot recover from the downfall that Alisha created me to laze about studying my N level then I scored normally, I got too angry that I loss my memory, even during N level she disturb me, I hope she fail her university. This year her boyfriend maybe coming for Hari Raya, then I imagine she have a 2nd boyfriend soon anyway, then 3rd boyfriend and 4th boyfriend, don't know it's either 3rd or 4th is her most special wish to have, if Allah were to balas and makes it the same as my life stories did by her.

Even Hari Raya to naturally forgive I can't forgive her, it's weird too people until Hari Raya didn't energize me about my life, I really feel bored and think the quick visits later to end it fast too, just eating ayam masak merah at my nenek gemok's house, asking for forgiveness is not something natural in me and I'm like this until turning 38 years old, how can I even be right hand man of Imam Mahdi? But I think it's doctor that said that I will become Wali Allah at 38 years old, it's 3 months to go, then I can't expect it to be 19 June on my birthday too, I really just want like a psychic power to get my soulmate into my life, I'm too lonely and I don't have power at all. Why psychics exist then let me be a loner in life?

I hope in future whoever I marry just accept that I would probably just say "Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Dan Batin" and nothing more like a long sentence of forgiveness speech, I really don't know what to do and it feels lighter that I don't get married yet, what kind of man am I? Sakinah seems equal to me because she wore shorts during her sports in school, like someone that's not committed to being a good Muslim, but then she no longer feel special when she had exposed too much of her body during school days, I also don't get a special treatment like a soulmate or husband to see more of her, I really lost her already since her Junior College.

I really don't know when's the day I will change into a better man, it just feels heavy now and I don't know what to do, I hope someone guide me and plan for me in life. My life is really feeling dull and meaningless, I can't solat adds another weight of communication with Ustaz even, I can't become a good man like Islam expect then most probably the story of Imam Mahdi and President of MUIS been lies of Alisha that I hear voices about. I really hope I become someone smart in Islamic Studies but I don't know how it will happen.