April I'm Dishwasher when I'm actually a 100% all subject scorer in N level, then I'm a Hacker that's the best in the world then no government hires me to become like a soldier or get to train with weapons like something nice to do, hacker is a rare skill but they didn't let me enjoy even after heeding to not hack anymore, been over 20 years, I used to hack computer and insert pornography and switch volume into loudest then play the pornography video, I don't know why the hacks didn't become famous news because I did it to a lot of computers around the world, police should have the same report(if reported), but then I left no evidence anyway, only my signature of hack which is a blank icon at the computer. I started to think of making my clan name as b£@nk as memories then I'm the only one in it, alone, my hacks didn't become popular because doctor knows with his psychic powers and called me, but why I didn't get government to train me to become somebody in Law? I really becoming a normal dishwasher for real this time. I'm happy with the job I'm getting and hope I last long in it, I want to grow up into a better man, like really save up for 2027 and 2028, I hope I manage to survive the 2 years, now when I think of my future, I don't know where Sakinah fits into my life, it's like I will be occupied all the time. I remembered (R) said to accompany me with O level in 2027 then I won't be alone anymore but I'm not sure what kind of energy she will give me because I only think of dormicum and suicide source of pills, it's really harsh I really feel bad in my life. Anhedonia promoted a suicidal feeling because of feeling nothing in life, the pleasure feels like cacat and I feel like a handicap man because of loss of pleasure, I'm really sad but I have to survive until May for the feelings to become different and the pleasures to exist again in my life.
Why I really become nothing kind of man despite being an intelligent person, is education still important? Should I just continue working for years as dishwasher and forget that I have ever scored 100% all subject? What else can I work as anyway? I don't have a guide in my life and I'm sad of my choices like limited into taking a small step everytime, it's just too small and too little I find it boring, if too big steps maybe will exhaust easily so I think it's okay. It's maybe due to the hours I have daily then I don't know what to do then I blog, I really have no idea what's becoming to my life like what I should do on my Android, other than games, what videos should I watch?
Iqra I miss few days then I have to exercise everytime, it's really weird nobody cares that my life have nothing to do "so it's okay", work is the only solution to fill my time, if Solat I will grow sleepy? I really don't know. I feel like a useless man and Sakinah is actually living better without me, she don't care about me, what I have for her is only love, and I only want her presence that she can't give, I'm really thinking why I fall in love since 6 years old? Why the love is so long and meaningless? What am I going to do to my brain it's like bugged with Sakinah in my mind all the time, it's helpless and hopeless feeling that she won't effort for me to feel better, is it she worry I won't feel better when she appear because I have schizophrenia? Its not really like that, it's like eating brownie or durian, the happiness happens when she appears, it's really difficult life, I have to move on.
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