Late memories

I remember I was suicidal last raya then I asked my aunt for money, hahaha, then I thought I wouldn't come anymore then I still came for raya. My aunt knew I'm not the type of person that asks for money, I guess they believe I was feeling suicidal and trying to shame ownself, but I can't I guess as they are my relatives.

I think I wore this grey kurta before and my family wore the same as last year, but I don't remember until night time, it's weird they didn't remind me at all that this ever happened.

I remember flirting with nurse and O.Ts(not my O.T Mandy) at I.M.H telling that doctor say I will become psychiatrist/psychologist, if want to become my girlfriend, because I'm suicidal and trying to be rejected to shame ownself, I really forgot what they answered but the outcome is quite calming I really loss my memory after that, I wonder what Sakinah would do I'm not the type of person that approach a girl at all. I remember telling them I'm suicidal then I think I was injected clozapine suddenly feeling tired and lazy to commit suicide. It failed anyway because I didn't shame myself, but their responses somehow stabilize me instead, that I forgot too. I wonder if I will really date any of them because of the feelings I get looking at them, it's weird to be like this, they really should remind me but they don't and I go through the jobclub with 3rd month not remembering about it, that I ever flirt around, hahaha. It's so funny. 😆

I really feel it would match me anyway because of their job title and I'm a patient means they can really handle me, it's weird they don't remind me but I could become shy anyway about it, haha. Why it's like that? It's really not a dream? My memory really came back like that I'm not sure why the recovery is so little, what else I don't remember about being there? None of them remind me anything it's hard to just live on like this.

Just now in car I feel like I've decided to work properly at CleanMark Solutions and just not be a beggar feeling anymore, I'm sad the money reminder that I ever ate K.F.C placed outside dustbin, that my relatives or family didn't give me money to buy food outside, then I think it's okay anyway, to just work by myself like a force of pain to go through it, I wonder why they letting me experience this extra force of pain in life, like I have to effort by myself instead of just living life.

I hope something interesting happen before my birthday(38 years old) anyway, life is too boring and I feel like deadmeat kind of feelings, like I can't be happy anymore as fact.