I really didn't use much data during 1st day of Hari Raya.
Today I am happy tomorrow is another earning day of $18, then tomorrow is injection, getting closer to May, the end of anhedonia.
I wonder why my feelings like this, like I miss the outdoor life for so long, I used to be warded everytime in I.M.H for over 15 years but then I remember my mother lied only twice entry to I.M.H. it's really bad that I loss information of my entry it would've been a nice data to write out and story in my blog.
Yesterday I receive a total of $74 collection money even if I'm 38 years old this year, it's very fun how I can save money more this year, it's super hard life of schizophrenia and people treat and expect me to be normal like not guiding me, I try my best to live my life but I started to gain a hobby for buying clothes, I really want to feel lengkap in life and yesterday ive got my mindset to work properly, and I hope I can work well starting April.
My achievement during N level proves scoring 100% gains nothing in life and it's been 21 years ago my memory is like I'm 22 years old now, it is why I keep repeating the same thing over and over again, or it could also be a symptom of schizophrenia that I kept repeating life stories over and over again. It is weird during my schizophrenic days, even if Sakinah knowing I love her she didn't appear in my life to try make me happy or feel like "soulmate knows", I wasn't comforted by her love at all she didn't give me a chance to be happier at all, I'm sad her initiative is really like wearing sports wear during sports in her Junior College, if I see a friend in need I would definitely try to appear in their life and help what I can but I just have schizophrenia for so many years then doctors are not caring by giving me money too, my room is so little items and it's like nothing to feel happy about, I became independent in buying clothes I want because their(mother's especially) choice could be weird for me.
I feel like Wahdiah and Shahridah have ruined the relationship by not appearing in my life during my schizophrenic days, even if I loss memory, they didn't effort to see Alisha that did this to Us, it's unfair I continuously feel a pain then they were not around to comfort me, but I have to live on my life thinking they are doing the best decision due to many reasons that could pain me even if they appear again in my life. It's definitely weird kind of love story, memory loss didn't bring back a miss-you feeling kind of appearances and they just became stronger in life with having money instead. I wonder why both of them didn't Sue Alisha but I hope Sakinah sue Alisha somehow, its harsh I have to live my life like this and yesterday Hari Raya I saw Alisha walking shamelessly like nothing happened, it's bad she totally living her life.
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