My uncomfortable life even if not a crime I wonder why my parents don't pity me and make me work more, why can't they just supply me a lifetime money to live my life, why can't they let me try see the outside world? If all children are like their parents, why they worry if I have more money? Why are they not giving at all?
I think my current life fits satisfaction of Alisha saying I'm a sacrifice of Islam to become the Dajjal, I sleep on a creaking metal bed that's imagine as uncomfortable so it matches the satisfaction of someone that wants me to feel tortured or experience something that is supposed to cause suicide, but maybe I thought I'm an orphan causing me to not suicide at that time, it's like losing a family that she made me feel and she feel no guilt at all. The bad comfort really looks like sacrifice of Islam that Alisha wishes me to feel that I ever believed when I was schizophrenic and my heart was in a lot of panic and I should be dead of heart attack too but I survive the pain into feeling a hot life experience instead, I feel boiled, cooked, fried, hot micro 100°C like exist on my body to continuously burn me, her words are too much that I can't forgive but nobody stopped her is weird too, by my memory, I keep hearing her voice means she got to talk a lot of bullshit to me, why of all human being it's me, and why it's twice, then why it's schizophrenia for over 20 years, then why I became delusional, then why I am in true love with someone, then why I'm a shy guy that cant express my love to someone? Nobody cares about me.
I'm sad that nobody cares about me, but my brother support with the most of $1000 to survive life. I imagine again, $1000-$310= $690, then if +$100 and +$144 = $550+, what happened to the close to $300? Other than $55 on clothes, $5 on console silicone, $2 on beanie cap, $12 on ayatul kursi necklace, $22 on redbullz, $26 on q.s inhaler - I really spent a lot of $1.50 and $1.10 + $1.60 and $1.20 for drinks - why does my life still feels heavy despite having more than $500? It's scary to live like this, I remember doctor saying I'm smart if I still write calculation on my blog, it makes me an intelligent kind of person, then I wonder if it's true or not too, like if Alisha is the one saying it then I remember it, I need to be alert if the voice is a girl or a male's voice but Alisha ever made her voice sound deep like a man to fool me, wonder why I go through the pain from her for more than 20 years. If my age deduct 20 = 18 years old. Wow I really loss so much of my life keeping on memory loss due to happiness and a lot of anger, then I became weak to take medicine, then I became hot over and over again for more than 20 years long, then saved 1.5 months every year.
I try remember my wrist tag: 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - the numbers that looks familiar is like 22, 27, 30, 31 - 37 = as years pass I keep growing into a recovery state sometimes, the only moment I remember of me being warded as something confirmed is 18-21 years old, then it's more than 2 times already, that my mother lied as twice only, then something I remember is only "two times in ward 35A", while others are just like 1+1=2 it means I just know I'm warded more than twice.
I remember doctor saying I am Potential Mastermind that's 2nd strongest after Dajjal that will become Wali Allah if enter Prison and that's for 2 years long. I'm sad such information then the government still doesn't hire me to become somebody in Law and I still have to learn like other people instead of special education moments like private studies and training with Law like Pistol training, then I remember doctor saying I'm Top Hacker/Most Hacks in the World then the government still doesn't hire me to work Computer Jobs.
I really wonder if I really will become President of Singapore only because I scored 100% all subjects in N level, that means I'm not stupid and I see it as something possible, then after I grow older, I read about Ex-President Mdm Halimah that she was a cleaner then studied Law and became President, it makes me confident that I can grow in life too, I really admire her a lot and wonder how to become strong like her. My body feels weak from the type of work I vision to do, then I wonder if I can really survive as a dishwasher. If 40years old+20 years old, will I become a President at 60 years old? What about stories of President of MUIS, will I really become someone so smart in Islamic Studies?
I hope someone tells me my future instead of me wondering like climbing a staircase 1 step each time if I can really do well at work. The duration to 2027 are still 9 months to go, it's really heavy imagining life with $550+ and not $10K like Hisyammuddin started his life again at this same phase I'm in, he got more muscles and got so much money at 1 point in life then I can't compare myself to him, I really liked that he don't suffer same as me though only because he's my cousin, if he's my friend I wouldn't support him anything at all.
I wonder how I can feel lucky like Hisyammudin, I tried making myself lucky like saving money and spending less to feel having a lot of money.
Tough to imagine losing Sakinah already as fact because she block her life stories on Facebook and Instagram from me to read, I really got no information of her life that long, I wonder why doctors and my relatives don't pity me that I fall in love with her, I still suffer greatly missing her and can't work, if I don't miss her and not taken medicine I definitely still can work and don't feel hot most of the time, I'm so unlucky Alisha got to add temperatures into my life.
Tomorrow is Hari Raya, the end of fasting month, I began to hope I remove my tattoo faster but Ustaz Harun is not a friend-standard as he's an Ustaz, someone with a high status, I definitely don't know how I can remove my tattoo faster or receive news about it from him. Someone special that like can give me information like Psychics' interesting stories then he's not a friend-standard means I can't know a lot of future information, my life is still dull, I really would want him to talk to my parents to give me money but I guess it's too much too, he feels it's enough then I can't do anything about it, I just don't like to feel "low" but I wonder if he understood first of what I don't want to feel.
If doctors said my baby will be sick if have babies, doesn't it mean I'm weak and requiring support to be given money already? They don't see the chance of me struggling so bad in working and feeling bad in life? It's not discipline but extra pain in life, I really hope my parents become nice people instead of acting like medicine money is what they should give me, and I feel they should give me more. It's sad it's like this. I don't like to feel demanding heart but my parents are making me feel like this, it's like a friction of breathing, then nobody help me to feel higher peace. I wonder why Ustaz if seen as Wali Allah also don't talk to my parents, maybe living a life but the existence of pain and suffering is real that not only medicine is enough but my parents let me survive on government money first too, it's hard why they don't let me have more in feeling enough instead? Life is a suffering in my dictionary. I feel so helpless, blog is my only solution but I'm made to feel hopeless too as nobody helped.
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