The stress from not smoking maybe is not real because maybe because my left eyelid is injured, it's maybe causing the weak feelings at my eyes and like a sleepiness.
Its weird I feel this way like a weak feeling then stronger sometimes, I think it's like impossible to get Sakinah with my health down and up like this, I can't maintain healthy to be a stronger man or upright person like a stable person, it's so difficult my life like this, schizophrenia pushes me into feeling I can't get any girls at all, I really feel like giving up about wanting to become a grandfather in life, I really look like I won't get married at all, I wonder why people don't care that my age and still not married yet, it's so long and so old already, even Dina dah nak tunang next year, I imagine to become her child's atok sedare will be cool, I think it's maybe enough like that instead of having own child or berangan kahwin with the girl that I can't get, if the girls really wait until 38 years old I still feel like a hopeless life in my future and I can never get them to heed about being faster for me, the feelings I want to remember is something peaceful and I dont like feeling demanding for them to appear, then they can't appear or don't want to because merajok because of the past. It's been over 20 years for Wahdiah and over 16 years for Shahridah, I really should stop being hopeful because it's 2 decades long already.
I'm still sad that Alisha came into my family's life like a jinxing bad experience into my life, she's really a bad luck maker in my life, if she's not around I maybe haven't break up with any of the 2 girls, but if she's not around I wouldn't meet Aby too maybe, suddenly having 2 girls that was no intended break-ups then but really split-up for more than 10 years each, it's really bad my life like this, it's a secret suffering or people don't care it's double times more than 10 years of losing someone I love? Why is it like that, why nobody try to get Wahdiah or Shahridah back to me? I definitely self-damage and thinking of Sakinah, then if think of my memory I will think of Lyanie but then it's out of story, I won't be relationship with her because she's just peaceful making then I didn't fall in love too, but doctor's story in my memory is different.
What to do in life: Tuesday I will know my working place, then I will be working at Tampines before April, earning more than $1000/mth by end of April, it will definitely be the end and I will be living my life already, I wonder why nobody pity me and give me money, I live a schizophrenic life then I lost 2 girls then nobody try to make me enjoy my life like giving me money. I think they just want me to become crazy in their heart, like a secret wish to see me in pain, and hoping for me to experience bad in life, I really have nobody in my life and I'm sad about it. Other niceness to me is like a survival from being spotted as a criminal to my life, like Alisha is actually like an escapist she's still surviving life without I.M.H despite all that and I feel doctor is a bit stupid secretly due to my sufferings I get and let Alisha be free to do her University. I really have no one that actually care to do things for me like suing Alisha, I'm really let be to feeling pain and experience something bad like losing a lover of more than 10 years two times, it's weird she never feel guilty at all and living her life even twice bandage her left eye in 2 different year. She's definitely trying to be abit funny still.
I wonder when I will ask her for money, I definitely will ask her to payback my loss in life in dollars but I don't know when, means like disturbing her peace that she's taking university will definitely be my wish that she fail university and doesnt become someone of a higher status. Doctors are secretly stupid like letting her ruin my life more than 20 years and I live without anything from her. I definitely will plan of money only because even in my bad days only my brother give me money, means she still get to laugh at my life. I'm so unlucky to know her in my life, she live so close just as my neighbour and bringing me bad luck in life. I'm so unlucky like crazy, becoming a dishwasher because of schizophrenia then planning to work 3 years at the company.
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