Dazey mind

It's like I'm really recovering from schizophrenia and actually someone really mentally sick that need help, but only medicine is the theory of the help, people in my ward had money and stuff/items except me like somebody that don't know the usage of phone, I became loss of touch from technology maybe but maybe doctor should let me be technological as it's my wish, I really want to be fine in life again, if money can buy pleasure it definitely makes them more entertained in ward, I feel like it's too long in ward doing nothing watching people just sit down for a long time like a statue is shocking and surprising they can maintain looking higher peace than me, I'm surprised they believe the care is enough instead of giving like chocolates to buy, maybe vending machine of nice food even should exist at outside ward area, but it'll most probably expire then. I wonder why I learnt to cook spaghetti during my warded days, I thought I'm going to become a businessman of spaghetti, and earning money as a cool/chef but it didn't happen, it was just Occupational Therapist Training, something like that. In ward I also played darts then I was seriously aiming for the best score, then it's actually just training and nothing serious like competition or earning money, everytime I thought of ways to earn money when in ward, I thought everyone inside ward is a secret society and I thought I'm everyone's right hand man, the leaders just made me join other secret society to make me right hand man, I thought. I was taking medicine at that time and my thoughts were like this, it means the sickness I have is serious and it makes me like in another reality of life, there's multiple version of "reality" situation that I believe, I wonder why I'm schizophrenic, it definitely maybe means slightly crazy, but violent schizophrenia maybe caused my mind to keep believing voices I hear, it's too much if I loss memory everytime I'm too happy and too angry, nobody pitied me but my family visited me in ward, it's hard they didn't try to ask about cigarettes crave if I can decrease myself or not but they let me live my life eating what they brought. Redbull was a cure for me, it healed my pain when I was in ward, Milo too caused me to imagine a nice sleep if drink Milo, when I was schizophrenic I thought Tea and Milo are remedies for my bad sleep, and I became healthier and stronger after drinking either 1.

My first 10 days in ward was fast and easy, I kept closing my eyes and opening during their calls only, means I somehow managed to sleep in the day, I wonder what happened to me, did I loss memory that 10 days continuously? Like a coma? I thought I was in a coma and on a boat I ever wrote, I thought my boat accident "and I'm actually a primary school", I feel sad I see my wrist tag written as 37 years old, I really loss a lot of life moments and experiences and nobody cares just making me live my life like this. I wonder why they're(my relatives and family) like this to me, why they don't offer a nicer feeling like making me comfortable in life, why I have to feel tortured or suffer in my life? Why they treat this treatment as something to train me instead of discovering what causes me to loss memory many times, what can make me feel no loss of life experiences too? They let me kept losing my memories for over 15 years without extracting money from Alysha by suing her, then I didn't survive those years because they didn't give me money or taking Alysha to payback, she's university level by last year I think, even if Poly or A level she should have savings of work maybe then can really pay me back something. The little effort like contacting Wahdiah and Shahridah she didn't do to connect us back together, she don't feel guilty like a tattoo creation that nobody sees, her damage to my life is something permanent that she doesn't want to remove.

It's hard nobody talks about her they know I would talk about asking her for money I assume then they can't give me money for some reasons unknown, to think as don't have money is too much lies because if not we would be poor, I wonder why they rather live a poor life instead of becoming fat, Ustaz Harunarrashid is fat but he is an Ustaz, it's okay to eat a lot in life I think, but they just won't move from their decision and decided my life to be like this. There's no cure for schizophrenia even if they save $1m for a sudden cure, then they still save money for such to exist I think, I really just need to be happy living my life but they making me go through like hell by Alysha, the only payment to receive directly or obviously, they didn't take the chance to create me lighter in life. They didn't understand not taking medication as something difficult, they have examples of schizophrenics that's been longer on medicine instead, no wonder 1 day doctor said they will become schizophrenic and understand me? Cant they be nicer even before they understand me? My life is so difficult and I'm really earning $1600 something happy that I like to work for a long time, but why they still let me feel jumpy about money, in my heart like sometimes will fall into panic and I can't do anything about it, it's like they don't believe too, it's just the pain that occur then I think money is the cure to the extra pain during a schizophrenia, the people in my ward had more money than me in their life, they are living easier than me but money is the reason but my family don't copy that way and let me have a nicer life anyway.

In life, now 38 in 3 months, I plan to go countries like U.S.A, France, Netherland, Spain, Germany, Russia etc. as holidays, but to feel the pleasure of life, my family then don't do such thing in life, they let me be like this, my nenek(Tampines) like didn't go many countries too and they don't mind too, it's weird I thought my feelings for my family is the same as all family because of bloodline, but the difficult are existing even when I'm turning 38, I don't understand their decision and choice in life, there's no cure for schizophrenia but they continue on like this.