o_o

Really remembered like I have written the same thing, it's really bad my mind always thinks about money, I need to do something else, what makes Solat as something nice for life anyway, it's weird I don't feel it like an exercise, I remember when I Solat last time, I always feel sleepy, I wake just to Solat, maybe I'm not doing it nicely, I became desperate for pleasure and heaven then it didn't happen to me, I thought I will have powers if Solat due to schizophrenia, I didn't receive any powers but only see things because I am schizophrenia, I remember 1 day I kept seeing face of Sakinah in front of me, I still see her sometimes even now, I wonder what makes me fall in love until like this, maybe she's just too beautiful I will somehow restrengthen just by seeing her face again, it's like white and orange sunlight feeling whenever I visualize her face in front of me.

Up until now even if numbers of viewers reached 20+ multiple times, nobody contact me to news about Sakinah, it's really bad but have to be this way, something that I must accept the fact that she don't love me is the decision and her choice. I remember if she remembers me since baby, I definitely have a chance of marrying her, I remember I like her attention when she was a baby, I think doctors have videos of us when we were babies then doctors don't show just so that I won't have babies yet "because baby will be sick if have babies", why is it like that when sex is not what we plan to do? I'm like crawling up a mountain this weight of time that I have to go through, April is my start day of work and it's really fixed like that my mentality didn't recover but I feel slow and like a tip toe, it's like I'm only preparing to climb a ladder is going up this mountain of time, its harsh but they just dont ask me out to go places to try recover something in my mind, medicine is slow but they believing this is the best way and best treatment for me.

Cant somebody contact me already, like tell me why they are not excited to help me with money as it's the best happiness that can happen to me? Why is it like this? Someone that have tattoo like me will really become a high status? It's weird I really think I would be a dishwasher my entire life, I don't know why they let me this feeling of hiking a mountain instead of a smooth elevator ride, just giving money would be like that, it would be a nicer life for me, it's like I'm searching for something in life when actually I know I can't get Sakinah as the actual fact of my life. Maybe it's anhedonia that created me suicidal, like it is worth it because Sakinah didn't appear to help me anyway, she let me experience "the plan of hospital" even when my schizophrenic moments I thought I.M.H is the place they would bind and blind my 1 eye, they don't care of my panic and didn't just give me medicine while I'm at home.

I really think it's like bullshit now that I will become President of MUIS and Singapore, I'm such a useless person, someone that needs money even at this age, nobody support me except my brother, there's no easier way in life if people don't want to give it to me, I'm sad it's like this but people don't care I'm sad.