Maybe drinking Red bull made me wanting to write more, even if I have nothing to say, or it could be just people don't notice my loneliness in being alone and let me be this way, I wonder which reader is alone too like why won't have anything to talk to me? It makes me think of the 3 girls again why they really have nothing to talk to me, their mind is only me saying "I love you" daily?
I'm happy if my April's salary will be $1600, then working for 9 months until December, I will be earning $14,400, but definitely lesser because I have doctor's appointment will miss a day per month at work. It's unbelievable just working 9 months is enough if marriage is $10K or $5K, then I'm 38 years old, I imagine 18 years not working normally, if 1 year of $1600/mth is = $19,200 then 18 years is = $345,600 - I really didn't get to save up so much in my life due to schizophrenia, I became the poorest among my family and relatives. Why people don't care I don't have much in life? Why do they feel what I have is enough, like why my aunt believe $20 is enough, then my uncle believe $50 is enough, then my nenek believe $4 is enough, then my brother knew $1000 as something enough instead? How do they spend their money I wonder like that?
If they put aside surat khabar to buy me daily but give me in cash because I won't buy the surat khabar, it's like extra $30/mth, if they themselves don't buy it monthly, actually everyone have money to give me, if news paper have 2 languages, in fact everyone can give me $60/mth like paying of internet subscription, hahahaha, I wonder why they don't worry if I don't have money at all, they all look like I am settled in my life and don't worry anything at all.
I grow up thinking everyone earns money on their own because of effort then keeping more for themselves while others became difficult due to lack of effort, my father have 2 other houses - 1 in Batam and 1 in J.B then he have more is due to his effort in life, then I wonder i probably becoming someone that owns a 1 room house 1 day that I heard costs $80,000, because if by individual, I'm the poorest in my family, it's really weird the one ever difficult life didnt talk to my parents to give me money because I'm their nephew like they don't want me to feel difficult in life, my love for my nephews and niece is big that I vision they should really have enjoyment in life that I don't mind if more than me in my life experience, it means actually the love of each family or relative is big but why am I like being tortured in life? This caused Alysha to become successful making me think I'm an orphan in the past for over 15 years? Why is it like that, why they are like this to me?
Earning $1600/mth soon in April's hard work is actually like a dream come true for me, I really want and estimate myself to be earning $1400 per month will be enough to feel like a rich person then I earn $1600. I also thought earning $1600 means $1800 because of Budget Talk increased of salary from $1600 into $1800, but maybe I'm too late for that. If 1 year is $19,200 then story of Puan Hamidah Bahashwan is $20K to be given to each couple of parents' child, then if sikit2 lama2 jadi bukit, where will I get the $800 from? Is it this $1000 from my brother but he ever given me $200 before, isn't it $21K in total, then if my jobclub total of February and March = $144+$162 = $306, it's $21,306 - then if segala2nya, how much or when will I be getting them if I imagine myself not supported to have a girl at all while thinking "it is Haram" in their mindset to allow such thing - I won't be supported is what they indirectly mean? They really making me feel like 1 year then $21,306 then if it's only 9 months it's $14K+, so it actually includes the $74 from Hari Raya and $1200 from my brother then? I wonder such thing in my mind. Why Hamidah Bahashwan sound interesting but then leave me with nothing for over 10 years in my life? Why they dont mind I'm not out with a lover at 25, 30, 35 years old? Now I'm turning 38 and they really mean it to let me be?
Cant Ustaz Harunarrashid interfere and help me in my life to get my soulmate? They really don't mind if I get married at 40 or 44 years old? If story of doctor, I will become right hand man of Imam Mahdi at 44 years old, it means 44 years old then I married? That's what I heard, then they really heartless to let me suffer and feel tortured until 40+ years old not getting any money or earning by myself?
Solat is so difficult to imagine doing it daily, it's like I won't become Wali Allah, or Tentera Imam Mahdi at all because I don't Solat, I really don't know why doctors give me such a big vision of myself, like I will become a high status for real. If I'm really becoming somebody like that in life, why they aren't supporting me to enjoy myself with enough or no-stress amount of money? I really have to live and earn by myself?
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