I'm giving up about is "Sakinah", something I would like to try though is I have told all my future stories from doctors and maybe mixed with Alysha's lies, I wonder why such status that I will become in life and Sakinah still don't appear into my life, it's better to be around even when I have nothing in life so our bond will be stronger and tighter, my lovesickness is caused by her but she didn't heal me back but let me became thinking I've never talked to her before, why is she so heartless until like that to make me feel nothing was settled? I'm trying my best to avoid the anhedonic feelings and tried to play RG477V then it became boring instead, I really have nothing to do in life. I've been in my room and will be in room because have someone visiting my house later, it's really boring life and Sakinah is happily working, sleeping, niece weekends, and repetitively like that, I wonder when she will think of giving me a chance at all, it's like no chances at all. I really want to know my future of working here but I have nobody to tell me, it sucks I have to just work and knowing/feeling nothing except earning money daily like that, I want to know things like if I will get any friends, any information of my future, if someone would visit me at workplace, will I meet Sakinah? Such things to think about.
It's weird my life is repetitively told as boring but psychologists/psychiatrists don't interfere and i continue living this life daily like this like counting sheeps, the counts of "outside ward and on medications" that's every 24hours. My plan to go City Hall didn't happen because I worry that I will be alone, I imagine myself only walking around there then eating at McDonalds, walk around Marina Square and that's all my life I really have nobody to talk to, it's really boring. Having a backup plan in relationship "for schizophrenic moments" is useless still because even if I take medicine none of the girls meet me up, I really cannot recover faster like this, it becomes thinking if they actually worry if I will use or spend their money then actually is why they rather I become 38 or cured first, it's harsh the treatment is so uncaring, I really lost their nice decision and feel the bad side of them in their decision to perform to me, it's all negative but trying to vision everything as positive is by marrying them all - Wahdiah, Shahridah, Lyanie and the girl I love = Sakinah.
The overconfidence is too much if they believe our relationship didn't break up if split this long, if Wahdiah ever questioned of wanting back together again when I believe it's a break-up, instead of telling me there's no break-up happens, it becomes dramatic like a movie "a man lover of Wahdiah loss memories for over 20 years then comes back to her at 38 years old". Promise of doctor is I can go out with Wahdiah 1 day as many times as I want but then doctor didn't effort to keep us together too - like wahdiah appearing into my life over and over again, it didn't happen she didn't effort to remind me but only 1 time at Alamakchat and Facebook Messenger, it's too bad I find it like a secret cruelty that she didn't remind me of the split up or false break up, then I really dont know and let to be feeling heartbroken, why did she do this to me? Shahridah too didn't remind me anything or search or contact anyone of my family on Facebook to search or ask about me, it's like doctors have served them answers then they decide stuff on me, doctor is not a tool of theirs to just be deciding nothing like appearing in my life again, but then again, doctors could be the one suggesting the split up to be longer duration, I really don't know but doctor are being nice somehow, it's complicated like 50% bad decision by selfishness like Islam thinks relationships are Haram, then it means none of the Muslims will try pair me back together with Wahdiah and Shahridah despite knowing the truth of what happened to me. The split up became enjoyable for Alysha and then both Wahdiah and Shahridah had entertained into her wish or actions to us. I find it stupid my life like this.
I'm happy tomorrow is another off day but now it's turning 7p.m in an hour, it's night time and sleeping time is appearing soon, but I plan to not sleep until 11.30p.m just to take lorazepam to counter the 3 Redbull I drank.
I am planning to buy bundle of t-shirts to wear with denim or jeans jacket then feel nice and nicer temperature that way.
My effort to write a blog like 1-3 times a day then it's 100 days like 300 times but then Sakinah still not moving from her decision to ignore me, maybe she really married after all and had sex with "Iman", I definitely will just move on, it's sad after the tunang, doctors or my relatives didn't update me if she putus tunang or not, then I kept forgetting that I don't know her so it means she wants to be assumed as married to "Iman" and had sex with him, dirtying my pleasure of vision about her, my imagination of her ruined. I remember I imagined she had sex with "Iman" in my vision like I suddenly can see distance and they're in bed, in my schizophrenic days, I thought Iman is Ya'juj Ma'juj bloodline like incest, then even if i became to think by the stories created by Alysha if Sakinah is an incest bloodline also, it means my mind had been damaged by her and she wanted me insane, making me feel powerless, then I became thinking "I'm too late to get Sakinah", then I now wonder when will Alysha feel it too? "Because I'm too late she already loss her virginity to someone else", the mind story during my schizophrenic days, including her father and my father as someone evil, causing us to be "In Dajjal Group", I thought in my mind, that I was burning in hell(due to voice of Alysha) then I can only be happy now if Alysha feels it too somehow, nobody will believe the hotness can be felt like a burn even if there's no fire and temperatures are normal as fact when or if we use thermometer, nobody cares i was just stucked/catatonic in my bedroom.
Don't know why Sakinah really stucking from helping me but maybe she had been created to feel helpful, then delusional as a nice helper of my life. It's too bad for me she didn't help me anything in my life.
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