I'm happy it is 9 days, then April will be a lot more I'm hoping I get a Dishwasher job by March though, I plan to work anything if didn't get Dishwasher job by April I really wonder what I will work as, it's tempting to apply at agency but then they didn't respond about my job application I assume they won't take schizophrenia people. The jobclub didn't declare to company I have schizophrenia just requiring to take injection from hospital or see doctor as the schedule to slot during working days, I really wonder what I will work as, I really hope it's something that creates happiness, money is important then I'm becoming just someone that earns normally instead of becoming a somebody due to 100% score in N-level. It is sad I became a nobody when I have grown up due to schizophrenia and repetitive pain from Alisha. Maybe schizophrenia won't be so bad if Alisha don't exist, I lost 2 girls it means 2 life experiences that I didn't experience because of Alisha and I hate her forever for it, I don't know how to forgive her too as she don't try to get them back for me as busy with school anyway, I wonder why she don't feel guilty at all splitting me and the girls I was in relationship with. She's maybe happier if they don't come back to me but the only way to give anger kind of pain is that she experience failure and I be back together with any of the 2 girls, it's hard because I would wonder if they truly love me still and want me back.
I don't know how they will love me that I am still at recovering state of health, that I didn't grow to become somebody during the many years but a lot of memory loss, why are they loyal with me even if my intelligence didn't grow to become higher certification guy? I really think they will leave me already because it's more than 15 years passed, but 38 years old is the time to know of such thing, I really can't say anything for now because they seem like a loyal experience I ever had. My happiness with them was full of pleasure and true happiness, I find they are really special and someone that's hard to get too, I really hope the experiences extends at this age and they don't leave me despite my lower education due to schizophrenia. The pain I felt was real heartbreak and sadness, I felt disrespected even if they didnt do such thing to me, and it was real bad feelings.
I only remember something like "38 years old will recover" then it somehow made me wonder why my neighbours took so long to recover creating like a fear that I will become their age too and still haven't recover, it's scary to be so long, money can be spent on fun food instead of medicines, we sick people definitely experience lesser happiness in the world, it's unfair we get this kind of sickness that keeps taking our money away. If my parents didn't pay for my medicine, they also didn't give me money to spend I remember I didn't take medications for some time but they just still save their money instead of trying to let me enjoy life. I somehow believing doctors being 37 years old now that I have been taking medications, it means I will recover at 38 years old as something true, I really look forward to a nicer life like Hisyammuddin's, he experienced this difficult phase first and the attention he gets was late, but he got $10K from his mother while my mother didn't give me money which is sad, I hope I can be just as strong as him and somehow be energized about working this dishwasher job, my only energy is thinking about money and I hope I will be happy about it and can earn smoothly.
It's only Tuesday the sad 2nd day of Sakinah's working day, then I really don't know what keeps her working despite knowing I live like a happy "no work", then why didn't she support me anyway I really wonder, as soulmate why she don't mind I suffer in life? She just makes me feeling like suicide is happening only because soulmate been kissed at forehead and enjoy life more as fact. I didn't have the same enjoyment like her, I never go to Bali something like that. She really had a great time in life, her experience is definitely more than me? I wonder.
My elevator will finish renovation in August, the time of receiving $850 from government, I'm happy it feels so close, the imagination includes started work already By June or before I finish my money I would already be earning $1000+/mth, I really think I will barely survive my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment