Feeling dead

It's too much, I wrote "it's harsh and it's hard" too many times because I feel that way, does Sakinah really knows my feelings more than what I wrote? I really believe such about soulmate but can doctor just skip the cluelessness about a soulmate then just tell our soulmate to us? It's really troublesome, why is it true love but it's like this? My relationship ever ruined twice or thrice(didn't get Sakinah) I am so lonely and bored.

What can I do in my life? How much stronger will I become in 12 days from now? The spiked feelings maybe gone already but the medicine is finishing causing the hot temperature, I have q.s inhaler to cool me, it's weird sometimes my eyes feels heavy, but if I feel something at my heart I hope it removes the craving for cigarettes. 

I feel like I lost a bag before I.M.H, I wonder why my life is like this, the overdose of medicine did this to me like a lot of memory loss occured last year, it's just a nice feeling or became too angry I think, I wonder why it's like that, no one reminding me anything I really don't know what to do, I have no guide in my life.

Now it's night time and I'm blogging, clueless who reads me, I think I just remembered like last year I attempted to create shame to myself to commit suicide, like getting to know girls and flirt with girls something not my personality or character, then even after doing such thing, doctor ever said I will become I.M.H doctor, it's weird someone like me will become a doctor? Means a doctor that ever have tattoo(because I will remove), ever felt suicidal, schizophrenic, overdose of medicines, ever wasted money, torn newly bought clothes? I really will become a doctor? I calculate again.

If in 2025 someone(a doctor) said I will become doctor in 2030: 2027 O level, 2028 A level, 2029 and 2030 Psychologist education? Wow it's 2 years is it even enough?

Can I do better than dishwashing in 2026, can I have a business? I really wanting to become a businessman since long time ago.

Then why nobody is responding me about me writing that I will become Psychiatrist/Psychologist, what's the fact about it? Doctor just knowing what I want so said such thing to make me happy? What is the shortcut to an easier life if I don't want a status? Dishwasher for 3 years? What will happen to me can't anyone just tell me instead of me being clueless about my future? Is this heavy feelings really lasting long time in my life?

No one message me something easy to do, I wonder why there's no crave to do it too - 80244202 - haha. Last time doctor can call me now doctor can't call me, I want my future but they making it a mystery and letting me forget if ever told, it's bad like this, my loneliness and writing will make me crazy I think.

I hope my relatives gives me money during Hari Raya, haha.