During school, I thought the Dajjal is appearing, then will become a soldier in the ship, that I quit school and loss $5000 which I heard my mother can get back because I have schizophrenia at that time and I can't learn. It's weird my mother have money for that knowing I can't school due to schizophrenia, then losing $5000 just like that, I wonder when will get back the money from government, isn't it better if she just gave me the $5000 for me to spend happily? I wonder what made them let me take the school even if I have schizophrenia. They definitely thought I will take medicine at that time maybe? My mind is blurry now it's 3 more months+ until 1 year of medication then it's going to be my first time outside ward in July, I'm always inside ward in July last time every year it happens I think. It's always the same date I enter ward.
I wonder what made my mind like blurry, it's like hard to think and I'm just living life for attention from my parents for money, in this kind of way instead, it's like a foggy white vision that makes me blurry, I really want to write a lot today and still don't get attention from my parents about money. I'm 38 years old this year but they let me feeling "needy for money" instead of letting me be in peace about my future.
It's really hard my mind like became so hard and I can't think smoothly, what did the medicines do something that created me no loss of memories anymore? Waiting for next week for job is like a long time for me, the excitement to start working exist in me but it's somehow sad I'm not given the chance to rest but suddenly continuously work through my recovery moments, but it's like Hisyammuddin he can do it why can't I survive maybe my schizophrenia is worse than his?
When I close my eyes I see visions like some colours then it's gone, it's the sunlight making the vision like reddish, because I'm in front of window.
I wonder when I will learn to play Nintendo Switch on my console, I just want to download the Legend of Zelda looks interesting to play, they can even play Spiderman games, a lot of PS1 games too, it's really harsh the listing doesn't appear at RGLauncher and I have to manually open the App of Emulator to run the game.
It really feels like I hope my parents are nicer that they don't let me suffer past 38 years old and just give me money, I really feel like I'm getting money from my relatives when I'm 38 years old. I remember Alisha's mother will give me money of Alisha's penalty I think, then Alisha will pay her back that way. I really don't know if it's words of Alisha or her mother because I loss my memory, I think 38 years old I will survive somehow hopefully.
My Simba line is settled to last until August $850 package to receive from government, then I think I will survive getting a job by April or May, why it's like a schedule and so long in my life instead of a smooth journey without worries of money anymore? Alisha definitely like it that my parents don't give me money if she ejek about it, then I wonder why my parents let her happy and not give me money at all.
Life feels heavy now like I'm carrying some weight until it's blurry vision, then it's already close to 12p.m today, life feels slow.
The elevator of my house 1 have shutdown for maintenance on 9/3, it will be 3 months long of work I think, I am happy everything will feel new, then suddenly in December there will be R.T.S Link to use, I really hope I will be earning well by that time and can go Johor every Saturday to feel the food and maybe buy clothes too, I really want to buy Cargo Pants, even Longsleeves and 3/4 T-Shirts, I just want to feel life like normal people my age have money to do all these. I'm 38 years old and still hard to be independent and nobody pitied me about it that I'm just trying hard, like people secretly wish I will fail because of no support given to me other than from my brother.
Maybe today I will write a lot due to boredom and thinking of what games to download to play on RG477V.
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