It looks like it will finish fast, so I'm sad but it says 400 drops, and only require 3-4 drops on 300ml-500ml, I feel like I have bought this before and finished it on the same day, wasting my money just like that then I loss my memory, it's really sad schizophrenia really waste money like that, I hope this is the reason that my parents don't give me money, if not it's definitely an anger/boiler for my heart, it creates a torturous feeling like suicidal because I have schizophrenia then it's like a disability in life but they just made me go through this again even when I'm 37 years old. Im so old and it creates me childish and I hate to be child-like sadness and anger in my heart, they should just be nicer to me. At least because I was a 100% all-subject scorer in N-level would be a nice something that they support me with money. Relying on my brother alone is like only having him as the moneygiver in family, my parents live in massionate house but my brother with 1 child capable of giving me $1000, they definitely just create me into a level of bad anger or secret anger like a torture, I wonder why they create my heart like this. Don't they care that I may be in shame if I am just keeping up writing sad stories about they not giving me money?
I have $398 in my bank, with $100 from I.M.H research is $498, then around $30 = $528, it's really low in my opinion, for a 37 years old to have, then they really let be knowing my attitude would write off anyway as it's a self-damage or suicidal, but they just do it anyway really don't care about me doing any self-damage, it is stupid to let me suffer. Anyway when I receive my $144 salary from jobclub it will be $672 in total I have now. It's really enough maybe, because I bought Quit Smoking Inhaler 3 pieces, maybe if I remember correctly, Hisyammuddin said that 1 will last for 1 month long, I really hope I'm right, then it means just enough to hit 30 days of not smoking I will definitely be happy. The tough part of not smoking is at 20 days, the crave makes hand tremble to smoke but then it's maybe the cold turkey treatment method causing it, maybe I should just quit by decreasing softly and slowly.
When I think of March, it's already 10th March today, 21 days left to finish March, then I will get another $162 salary = +$672 current = $834 in imagination, I still have around $130 to spend until end of March with the inhalers I'm definitely not buying cigarettes anymore. Then with the Redbullz, I definitely won't buy Redbull anymore, I definitely will only use on buying food and mineral water only.
It's night time 11+p.m it's rare that I am awake at this moment, usually I would have slept and then woke up around 1+a.m to go toilet then sleep again. I really exercised 150 for legs and 200 for arms, I hope I'm really getting more muscular. Just now I read Iqra awhile then I wonder when I will understand reading Arabic language totally like they have other signs I have to understand, like if double lines is just adding alphabet "n" in pronunciation, just an example of the sign.
I feel like doctors being psychic then knowing I will be suicidal and letting me be instead of talking to my parents about money, it is really bad, I don't need a training of this kind I'm not a kid to be controlled, they just let be feel tortured by anger and sadness at the same time, then knowing the voices I hear create delusion or made me believe I will receive money, doctors still knowing it will lead to suicidal but not comforting me with dates that I will receive money, if doctors just told me my brother would be giving $1000 1 day then it won't be painful feeling, if I forgot they should remind me because I have schizophrenia, schizophrenia require clozapine if feel suicidal, then I think quitting cigarettes is the cause of this suicidal feeling, to blame it is like agreeing that I shouldn't be given money or its my own fault for quitting cigarette, no wonder it feels like self-damage if I don't smoke, because of the hot feelings I get if I don't smoke cold/menthol.
After Ramadan I will be doing Ketogenic after first day Hari Raya or 1 month, or Mixture of Ketogenic Days per week because Hari Raya food is so nice. Keto can't eat rice at all. It's 3 eggs in the morning, then chicken/beef/fish then beef/chicken, snacks can only be nuts and greek yogurt, about what's nice to eat I wrote them here, things like salad or vegetable in diet is not written here because definitely it makes it hard for me, the point is it's the same diet name - "Ketogenic". Diet is for fat people but I don't want to become fat so it's fine I guess, my weight like reaching 70kg soon and I'm 174cm I really don't like to be fat, I'm planning to be 60kg like that will be enough.
I hope more people read my blog and understand the pain from my parents i think is guidance of a psychic but when they know I won't commit suicide but feeling suicidal they just continue the treatment that I feel as torturous and suicidal, I'm sad is not necessary in life, why they become my adopted fathers then if it only makes me think of money, why if they pity me that I have schizophrenia since baby then they won't give me nicer attention or help, my parents let me live with hellish feelings even if it's a bit if it's level of hell it's just too painful it shouldn't exist. Nobody is helping me but my brother only after I ever complained to my mother about hearing voices. I'm sad at this age I am thinking about money and they not being understanding that I have schizophrenia. I take medicines should be resulting in a nicer treatment that the small girl Alisha is correct that I should really get money.
My schizophrenic neighbours are adults they definitely have money they're luckier in life they can work and more stable taking medicines, unlike me I'm so much in pain I really can't find someone to talk to my parents to just support me with money because a suicidal feeling is torturous. They're not being helpful to me, buying Ramly Burger or Drinks are just like what a parent should do as they want to have children, but this kind of stress creation is too much makes me wonder why have children if don't want to care and especially about money.
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