Memory of Past

I think I ever gone here before to work then I quit the work given by jobclub, I think I took too much medicine just to go work then I go home, it is weird I wish I can be stronger. The workplace looks the same quite repetitive job and looks easy too, the estimation of start is around April "after Hari Raya" he says then it will be okay, it's weird why they don't mind if I'm a repeat at this location like they getting me to go work again, I'm thankful they don't mind as fact as the job looks quite easy.

I remember the coffee shop I was sitting at the same place too it's weird the O.T didn't remind me I was ever there, the company name is CleanMark Solutions and it looks bearable kind of job, the hours will be around 6 hours and the salary is not asked yet, I think it's the final working place for me to be working for 3 years long if I don't take O-level next year, it's weird too I thought I would become a soldier at 38 years old, wonder why doctor don't help me tell my future but I go through this kind of dejavu feelings.

If it's starting on April, I would at least be sure that May or June I will have more than $1000/mth of salary and I would be fine then, the job is rotating shift I think, the number of people are not a lot so I think I will be fine working there. It's weird someone like me working something that don't require certificate, it's weird too like I won't get my lovers back into my life, it's harsh thinking this way, don't know why Alisha didn't get penalized too for what she did to me, over 20 years she had lived her life without anything, how will she effort for the girls to come back to me anyway, she really have no way because the girls have made the decision to wait this long, or maybe won't ever come back to me sadly, it's weird my love story like a big accident in the world, it's like story of a person thats been tortured but the attackers all are fine and not being criminalized by law. My luck is truly unlucky as fact, I'm just happy I am remembering stuff, I hope it don't drag so long the voices. When I was there, there's no voices at all, it's just a happy thing kind of feeling that I'm starting a life finally, it's so harsh people don't try that I focus on medicine first while giving me money but they just let me jump into working straight away, why are people not caring to me?

I feel like I don't have love in life, my parents don't care that I suddenly have to be working on my own gaining my own salary, they didn't plan to schedule me a focused-medication like 6 mths or 1 year then give me a gift or reward for taking medicine, I really am not energized by my family at all to take medicine but living my life as per normal. It feels retarded kind of life that when I think again, my life been on a repeat for so many times, I remember the person cured from schizophrenia was working so I really think I should continue working, the medicine will change in May anyway, so it will take time for anhedonia to go away, I hope Alisha gets sued for the anhedonia that she created to my life experience. I think my parents treated her special like own baby because been caring for her since baby days, then don't want a conflict of neighbours so that's why Alisha is living peacefully. I wonder how long will I become stronger to confront her to pay me back my loss in life even making her telling them what stories she created or how she did it, because it's hard to believe like "love story ended due to memory loss", then I'm the one experiencing it then it's been more than 20 and 15 years long, two girls, two times, then my try for Sakinah didn't happen as she phone her father in M.R.T, I'm so unlucky like crazy, wonder what she gets ruining my life and relationship story, I totally loss a lot of pleasures in life from losing 2 girls, my life experience became a solo man instead.

I'm so angry like I hope I will be recruited into Law to become a hacker or computer jobs, even to become C.I.D or C.N.B if they know how I can become mentally stable, it's really harsh I became a nobody from scoring 100% all subject then being a hacker that not anyone can do it, then doctors saying I'm top hacker in the world and the most hacks in the world, then still I'm a nobody like not working in the computer world. Will Cyber Security Agency employ me? What can happen? Why I'm so nice ranks by statements of psychiatrist but I'm such like a loser in life? I hope I get to work this spot for 3 years or until December before O-level then I'm done, I really want to grow in life like other people can work daily, my schizophrenia feels so weak just now I worry I get bored at workplace but I just message O.T I'm okay with the work.