Why is the love gone just like that? Why suddenly she really don't love me even if it's other's doing? Then suddenly I will be into a working life then work hard all the time, and not going to find love? I will be busy working and sleep all the time I have no chance for love at all, love is gone from my life ages ago then I'm still feeling like this.
I'm turning 38 years old this year, close to 40 years old, so old and useless what am I going to become? A dishwasher at Tampines that doctor will think it's a waste if I don't go? Is it finally the end? Can I really work hard on 1 location everytime? Will my memories be fine? I really can't remember anything that I don't know what to do, what I just found is that they're gone from my life maybe memory loss but then they're not around anymore, something that made me feel it's over, why Alisha don't feel guilty at all and why my family never tried to get them back?
Suddenly going to work hard as dishwasher instead of a long rest enjoying myself, after so many years of pain, they don't give me money to enjoy, but make me survive on my own, only my brother helping me with $1000, for me to feel happy I bought RG477V for $310sgd I think, then now the money I have in total is $500+ but it's inclusive of my I.M.H research money and allowance for February. I have no love that supports my life, that I find it as okay to self damage.
Alisha created me more suicidal after I felt suicidal in teenage days for having no money in life, I lost 2 girls and nobody still update me about them and I'm surviving my life suddenly going to be a working life after January and February jobclub then "it is good" to believe it as such about my life, now it's mid March, I really don't know how to say it out to Alisha if I see her walking in front of my house door most probably I will say "bayar balik la dulu2 Nye hal", something like that, I really don't know what to do, only anger to beat up whoever she in relationship with as to create a suay person to be with her, she cant be happy in life getting married at under my age of marriage, it's definitely crazy, the fairness of Allah is not seen that she have already achieved to school in University during my schizophrenic days, I still haven't recovered or get to think of her well during that time. I really feel like she really just don't want me to take medicine as fact to torture me, she's tortured my mind for over 20 years then my family still living their life normally like celebrating birthdays instead of thinking of suing her, this is bullshit, I get no gains from what she created me to lose. I really need effort from my family to get them back, but they are living their life like Alisha did nothing to my life experience. The chances of men touching the girls been over 15 years then it's(loyalty) maybe gone within the so many years, it will be like "they came back" instead of "loyally nobody touched them and they still hang around", of course I will self-damage, I definitely have lost the 2 girls that I love.
Life is stupid, it's only 5 readers then the attention moment is not clear if Sakinah gets it, I imagine 5 person to be only my neighbours then, if it's like that then nobody would take action to Alisha, it's crazy, nobody cares, working is the fuel to commit suicide, as I will gain income to buy pills, because it's my own effort in the end about money proving nobody cares, why they didn't let me enjoy my life anyway? This is stupid decision of doctors and parents. I don't know why they created me to have no love still in my life, I will ask my mother when to ask them back 1 day.
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