What's at least confirmed like the vision of my future is: in April I won't be at jobclub anymore, I would have a job at Tampines and working there in April, in May is a confirmed happy salary that survive me the rest of my life, I'm happy if I can become somebody that can work on my own and I really don't care about the anhedonia I just hope I have energy to work that's all. I just need enough sleep every night and I should be okay the next day I assume.
I somehow feel energy like "will meet Sakinah soon" once I work at Tampines but it's only because of some vision or memory-speech to create me delusional by Alisha, I'm really unhappy my heart feels like being played only because I'm a good listener and remember what she said. It's so bad luck I wonder when someone will do something to her memory too and then she understand a messed up life like imagining losing someone for more than 20 years because doctor say "will recover at 38 years old", truly feel no hope of getting the same person again for my case is Wahdiah, then the pain of believing the version of Story of life that created by attacker(in my case: Alisha) then the anhedonic feeling thinking of Shahridah became to exist that I feel sad and depressed then wonder how to get her back after believing lies of Alisha's story version. I'm so unhappy in life that she survived more than 20 years without anything happened to her by my family or doctors, it's weird they didnt take action of law towards her, I'm so sad I actually felt that it's stupid to let her go with nothing when she split me up with my lovers that's a suicidal story as fact, then created me to think I'm orphan for over 15 years in my days being schizophrenic not taking medicine because it felt real and no one cares. I don't know why even when thinking of myself as an orphan, doctors didn't visit me to comfort me and tell me answers but I live through the pain in life, I really feel I have nobody then even until now, the food that's nice every birthday of someone seems like a fixation to feel higher pleasure then actually it's like surviving the love the a family, they didn't try to take Wahdiah and Shahridah back into my life and let me be living a life like this. It's so bad Alisha let me be in thinking they are not my family for over 15 years, even during my medication days in ward I still thought I'm an orphan, it's so bad the medicine takes time to function and I wonder what else I haven't recovered in my mind other than remembering the promises made to Wahdiah and Shahridah.
The love they created really made me feel like a promise that's forever that I wish for, then it's hard being 2 girls instead of 1, then what kind of man have I become? It's really hard it feels like losing a soulmate as fact like falling in love then knowing I will lose them until I'm 38 years old, the age that I'm unsure if they will actually come back to me because it's been too long. They maybe been having a life already and planning a future with marriage plan with someone else in mind and not me, the feelings in my heart is like that and I can't be sure if they will come back to me, which is bad.
Many times at comforting location I will mumble name of Sakinah, mostly in toilet, elevator area or living room, when I feel about to feel rested. It's hard missing someone that don't care what I feel and just don't know that I miss her so much, it's really hard life like this, remembering she ever tunang and imagine the years it's definitely a duration she would already have a child or had sex already if getting married, I somehow still believe abit about matter of soulmate that in my heart, she didn't get married to continue loving her like this, it's weird I feel soulmate know each other then I'm hoping doctor is true that she will marry me 1 day, about making her a witch(by making her angry her nose will grow everytime) if she don't marry me, even if funny I find it as something lovely because she's not mine she should just perish from my life and be destroyed into hell.
I really hope I can become someone special or important like a key to enter heaven, like I remember 99 Names of Allah(Asma-ul-Husna) is actually 1 of the key the benefit of remembering it is entering heaven as written in the Book about the benefits of saying Allah's Names. I hope it's enough to bring Sakinah etc. into Heaven and being enough to propose to her for a Marriage, it's really hard I ever believed in Dua and zikir even reciting to a Bowl of water for 41 Times Al-Fatihah and drinking it, then my body still did not recover from schizophrenia, I did it for days I zikir Al-Fatihah in room 41 times a day to water and drink I still gain no power or health, then it's weird my mother still amalan zikir daily using the digital counter and believing of such magical existence of a Dua and zikir benefit. I'm just relying on the Ayatul Kursi necklace as a hope of my last try of remembering that I tried a lot but it don't work and I don't know what power can exist from Quran anymore except this way.
About my Islam energy: Zikir for Peaceful feelings, Ayatul Kursi Necklace is the only thing I feel energized about Islam about, and I hope remembering Asma-ul-Husna will bring me to heaven. I really am not someone that will convert away from being a Muslim, it's too much to imagine Allah that created the Planets and Planetary System as a Human Being so Small that Singapore is just a dot on Earth and it's so many people and this country really feels big to move around and many places to go. I'm definitely waiting for Imam Mahdi for wanting the Highest Heaven(7th Floor Last Level Heaven) and my Soulmate energy is really Imam Mahdi knowing my heart I Truly Love Someone as my Whole Heart. It's too weird to be a Jew that prays to Wall too. It means I won't become Christian or Jew. Then others pray to Statues that's created from clay then painted or sprayed into a colour I definitely wont become Buddhist or Hindu too. Even if all religion teaches good as story of people, Israel is a Jew Country and Active In Technology and Military, it's weird why Singapore cant recruit everyone in Military to become a Soldier anyway I really want money and a nice status as someone stable.
Even if I feel suicidal I really am fixed to Muslim feelings and having a Muslim heart, it's maybe due to anhedonic feelings that I feel suicidal, loss of pleasure like doctor saying my pleasure of food is only 75% of the taste that the food has, I think, or then it's still could be Alisha and not doctor that said it to create me pitying myself or feel bad in life then nobody(my parents) still support me with money, they going to Batam leaving Vouchers I still hope I get money to buy stuff instead, I have nothing in my room feels so empty only Hanging Clothes, a Book Shelf used as Placing Folded Clothes and a Slim Mattress Bed, I really still live a poor life in a 2 storey house, I don't know why but then the clean look still energize me to live my life.
The current War in the World of Iran, Israel and U.S.A, made me think of Sakinah, Wahdiah and Shahridah if they can shift to Woodlands in case of World War to be close to them, it's harsh my heart feels this way then I've lost them for more than 15 years already, I really don't know what to do to get them except wait for doctors' plan or my relatives' plan or idea to become like a magical happiness into my life, I really have no idea how to get any of them at all. I'm just living my life taking medicine, feeling heavy like today, then daily thinking of schedules I have to go, it's really sad my life, while they're all earning big in life leaving me alone with nothing in life. It's really harsh to have nothing, then only have love for them, which I just have to be fair 1 day if all of them love me. Then still it becomes a marriage of more than 2 people, it's weird I definitely goal to marry only 1 in life then this happens because of Alisha, if I didn't split with Wahdiah, I wouldn't found love from Shahridah, then Alisha is the doer of the splitting up making me think it as a break-up, then even if it's 20+ years long, I still enduring this feeling then wonder why she don't approach my life at all.
People don't really care about me I summarize. It's just wanting me to put medicine into my mouth that's all.
No comments:
Post a Comment