Next week Tuesday is my visit to the working place. Until now since last year August I think, I still haven't got anyone to contact my phone, it's still Jobclub people and my family left to contact me, I feel bored like why is it like this? I really feel suicidal like I will be clozapine by doctor, it's really hard I think of just telling doctor too, then I worry of being warded then I feel like I shouldn't tell doctor too cause doctor is psychic he knew I wouldn't commit suicide just feeling it. It's weird I feel so empty in life and everyone is living their life peacefully. I really wonder if I can really work this job as a dishwasher, it like happened before, same like last year then last year I didn't go to the job place, I really loss my memory multiple times, I really hope this time I will get to do the job, its my chance in life to be earning more than $1000/mth, I really must go for it. I have no T-Shirts but I bought T-Shirts to use for work, I worry I might dirty it but it's going to Tampines anyway, the T-Shirts have pockets on it. I take a screenshot awhile.
I really just want to look nice to work, but I most probably will want to use the "Life", "Mario" and "R" T-shirt too but it's to Tampines it's quite far I need to look nicer Abit and not like a mess or too poor.
I am thinking of Shahridah now because her aunt lives at the same bus to take(168), then I wonder if I will meet her accidentally inside bus if she goes to her Aunt's place. It's weird but I feel like missing her too.
I know it's too late over 15 years long, Alisha got us into a split-up we live like a break-up with pain and endurance to suddenly be far from each other. It's like what happened between me and Wahdiah, it's too painful I experienced heartbreak and something so unbelievable I thought I have no family, it's like I thought I am an orphan then start believing Alisha that I am sacrifice of Islam to become Dajjal because I was not given money and living a poor life despite being in a 2-storey home. It's so bad like I think Jews should be in pain and living in an expensive house then I feel like I'm living like a Jew, poor but in a house that looks like I'm rich and capable of buying many things. For over 15 years I thought I'm an orphan many times thinking I have no parents but doctors and my family didn't do anything to help me. I live like a survivor in pain every day then they don't care about me, like they won't sue the girl somehow I find it weird the girl is living her life like without feeling guilty at all. She ruined my life thrice then I have no hope for a nice future, if she's not around maybe Sakinah wouldn't have been engaged with other guy, I'm so unlucky in my life like a suay person I truly feel like a Jew, I regard Jew as someone really suay because they live life then suddenly have to enter Hell after death, but then i wonder if their lineage convert to become Muslim, doesn't it mean their entire family goes to heaven? Doesn't it mean that after death of a kafir doesn't mean it's straight away hell inside the cemetery?
Just my belief is like that. I read about Christians believing Jesus as Son of God and God Himself, it's a weird thing to Mind Map that he borned himself inside Mary, then people calling a Human Face as a God, that created the Earth, Planets, Stars, it's too much for a God to be a Human to do all that, if God created Human why they believe God is a Man too? I just wonder, why am I into this kind of reading then writing this down. Isn't it dangerous for a schizophrenic to be writing something sensitive like this? But being suicidal I think I don't care about it too.
I hope my Tattoos get removed 1 day but when I think of life like "Muhammad" as name have a gayboy N.S.F that pays teenage boys for sex, then me as "Muhammad" have tattoos, life actually doesn't reflect the name of a person, it's the soul that takes people to heaven, I don't believe a gay will enter heaven at all. It's weird to understand people believing in Statues as God that was created by Humans, Humans eyes if can see God isn't it cool, like we can suddenly become a Billionaire asking God for money? Does any billionaire actually seen God before? Maybe not too, me as a Muslim wonders how God looks like, I truly hope psychic can draw how Allah looks like too, it's really harsh we live thinking of God but God makes rules like "do not pray to statues", "do not pray to Jesus" then we wonder how Prophets know about it, then we wonder why people believe God is a Human, I pity if any of us actually got fooled about who is Allah. Why did I bump into such Muslim-Christian questions? It makes me uneasy then I wonder why nobody cares why God make us pray to Him when we are nice to Him he makes us have schizophrenia instead? I think I had schizophrenia since baby days, but my mother lie it's since I fall down instead, I wonder why she lie, I remember in B.M.C I was in I.M.H too, dont know what's her goal in lying to me, it makes it more complicated like not being given money as something hard to ask because I have not been living my life for so long, then she claim I only 2 times got warded in I.M.H(about ward 35A), why doctor promote this lie to happen instead of helping me of having a nice conversation with my parents? I have to live understanding their lies as something they regard as truthful in their words instead, it's bad like this.
I don't know any schizophrenic males to keep in touch with, my neighbours are females that's schizophrenic, I really don't know how to contact Hisyammuddin and he's busy with his life anyway, I wonder if they all feel life have nothing to do feeling dullness from morning until night time everytime, what should guys do? Why if we have schizophrenia they suddenly will applaud if we go to work ourself instead of pitying we haven't had life for so long and we should go out enjoy with the money that they give(they don't give money too and it's too limited plan in life once get money). I worry I waste money that my brother gave me but I'm happy still if I still have this $500 left after February's salary, I still am surviving in life. When will I have someone to talk to in life? Why God let me go through all these like feeling suicidal, anticipate strap jacket or strap mouth, instead of Alisha that attacks with sentences that deserve to be strap jacket(bully toddlers) or strap mouth(lies and scary imagination like plots of Islam to turn me into a Dajjal 1 Eye Blind person). Then God let me see her achieving in her life, with going through 2nd year with her boyfriend of Hari Raya while I only went through once, then I really didn't feel the Hari Raya anyway, God let her achieve above me in Education? So she can talk more nonsense? Certificate is like power to talk and she achieve and gained it. I know when she bandage her 1 eye is fishy to remind me of dajjal because if 1 eye bandaged means 1 eye blind/injured, her eye definitely not in pain, means she just want to hurt me with what she said before. I'm so unlucky she's so insensitive like me creating a tattoo I don't feel bad at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment