Still unstable mind

I think the quit of cigarette so sudden causing me instability of my mind. It's like a suicidal feeling maybe, then I wonder if they will make me eat clozapine because it create less chance in suicide in schizophrenia, I feel fine though theres no way to suicide in life other than the imagination of painless - like a lot of sleeping pills.

It's sad I feel unhealthy unless I smoke, I really am suffering greatly about something then I bought t-shirts because I am shocked I have no t-shirt for work, I bought 2 $6+ ones and another is 2 for $20+. It's really harsh my life then to smoke is $15.50 to smoke Marlboro Crafted Ice, I really surviving my life this way it is hard. My money left $300+ in bank then haven't add my salary of $144 then +$110 in my wallet, I really only have about $500+ left, it's really hard this life.

My jobclub msged me and I will be working at Tampines, next Tuesday is the visit to working place so I know where I will work, I hope it will be fun and I can do the job properly. So from Woodlands to Tampines I will travel every day just to work, I hope I can do it well too. Life's so hard but I am surviving my life, I don't know like the way of caring by not giving me money is causing the suicidal feeling, $1000 imagined $850 government money that finished in 1 or 3 months, then I really feel it's hard to survive and always worry if I will finish my money fast. Buying the Quit Smoking Inhaler makes me feel sleepy more but the freshness of daily life is missed a lot, I'm really living like a survivor and it's hard. I hope I will work fine at Tampines everyday and earn well there.