Wondering my Job

It looks like N level already accepted to become a soldier as Warrant Officer, I wonder how to apply, I know I'm PES E9L9 and maybe can't work as Soldier so what am I becoming in life? Maybe all story of doctors are not true and it's just "layankan" what I wanted in life so they just say it out? What if it's Alisha's lie causing me like this again? What about story of soldier job recruitment by knocking doors? When will it happen?

I really wonder what's happening to me, I know people expect me to be in a working situation continuously since I take medicines to provide help like money seems like not happening, it is harsh I really don't know how to gain lightness in life like Hisyammuddin my cousin, his schizophrenia doctors cared for him but mine like nobody cares at all, I just live life through the jobclub experiences and need to keep doing it to imagine until 4 months as maximum, it is hard I really surviving on my own.

I really want to know from doctor what I will work as, but doctors decided not to tell me anything at all, and I have to rely on O.T waiting for mid March, it's so long but I have to wait, I really hope it's not McDonalds, life is really hard then to work McDonalds? Why is it confirmed as mid March and nothing earlier? What job could it be?

Later for buka puasa my mother buying chicken chop with tomato rice for $7.50 each the price have increased because it's after 12.30p.m already, I'm really happy as will be eating nice food.

I feel like my recovery is dull and no excitement because nobody cares the numbers of days I have taken medicine, I'm not given gifts or presents because of sickness maybe because my neighbours actually are fine despite schizophrenia, I wonder for how long will doctors not care about me, when doctors visited Hisyammuddin again at that time, I think it was during Jobclub moments, or he was already working at McDonalds, hes lucky got the attention type that he wishes for, my life really sucks. I look at bank and I have $560+ left, to add $144 and $100 it's still $800 like that left because I bought RG477V, I topup my Simba another $30 to reach August, then I took out $50 also, it's just ending like this like nobody cares. I feel it's unfair I am not being supported the same as Hisyammuddin and have to survive on my own, I can't contact him too to ask about jobs or who helped his schizophrenic days, I really feel surviving life and to goal until August is the only thing I can do, if imagine April or May I maybe already have a job that I earn more than $1000/mth, then actually it's been fine, I'm just still in a panic I don't know how to get rid of, the situation is they will not care about me then I will keep working after jobclub got me a job then it's just like that. April have a chance I'm working 3 days a week which is sad if I get a job late. Then May is the only confirmed moment that I would get a nice job already. 18 May is meeting doctor I hope medicine changes on that day too.

I wonder who read me why not giving me or supporting me about money that I feel my parents should give me due to the hardship of life that I feel, isn't it too much like a suicidal feeling then why nobody cares anyway like nobody read as fact then I wonder what I've been writing for, I know it's for moments of recovery to be updated and to get Sakinah, then it's more than 6 months already and I still didn't get any support on Sakinah and money except from my brother, Hisyammuddin was given help from relatives then I have no such thing happening for me? Why am I surviving in this life instead of just living my life?