Looking at Lychee(Alya) reminds me of myself about the "carrying bag = smoking, while hiking mountain daily", she went to Sabah I saw her TikTok then she went hiking and have a lighter at her bag, it made me wonder if she read me, she's just 18 years old and popularizing on Suria, I remember I flirted with her telling her that Doctor told me I would become psychologist/psychiatrist "in 5 years", if she want to be with me first, hahaha, at that time I didn't know she's so young then luckily she responded "age is not a matter"(correction: "age is just a number") or something like "in love age doesn't matter", I really forgot because I have schizophrenia and I could even think it's a dream too.
Her actions made me think like why she don't mind acting silly with her beautiful face on camera, but on Suria she act as someone serious. I don't really watch T.V but only yesterday then saw her. T.V is not something I enjoy anymore but because due to schizophrenia and anhedonia, it's been over 10years I don't really watch T.V and I remember at coffee shop I didn't send back my plates then they were about to summon me, then I said "over 15 years I don't know the outside world due to schizophrenia", then they didn't summon me. It's really sad my life is real the memory loss. I read facts that highly intelligent people suffer memory loss a lot, then it makes me think doctor is right that I will become psychologist/psychiatrist.
The job is really quite heavy I wonder why doctors really want me to work here, it's 3hours+ left to working hour then I rather spend my time blogging quickly in case someone read me decided to help me. But $1600 is really a lot and I hope I do well in it. If money can lift the rocks, it's maybe I want a lot of heavy rain in my life so the rock moved somewhere else so I can grow, heavy rain becomes food and water for plant(me) I maybe just need to keep feeding myself a lot of food and water while working. Yesterday I felt like fainting at work but I continued "working hard" in my mind as that to earn money for Motorcycle License. I really hope doctors help me out something like creating an easier way of life instead of me struggling like this.
I wonder R rather I suffer to have no money like I'm reminded of getting money in June but it could be a dream too, I really don't like asking her for money somehow it don't feel right.
Maybe my plan isn't too nice of not getting money first unless 38 years old, I feel like I will waste money, because I really want to take motorcycle license but I have no where to go anyway, I'm turning 38 then only taking my license is the bad part of my life, people get them at young age while me so late in life due to schizophrenia, I really wonder why nobody pitied me and just not let me become a beggar and ask for money.
I am 38 years old and I'm still blogging, but I remember about Mdm Halimah Yacob was blogging when she was old age too, I started to feel fine. When she was a cleaner, now at my phase I'm a dishwasher so I hope I turn out the same and become someone successful in future.
Yesterday I dreamt a long dream and the sleep was very deep, I think I dream something about hacker too, it's something special because it's a rare skill and a real skill too, nobody knows how to hack when I remember, like even hackers that down big companies only uses botnet to attack company servers and website, but me, I use botnet to hack into computer, I really enjoy botnet alot it's my addiction during my hacking spree I hacked so many computers around the world from morning until night time, playing pornography videos on their computer and switching the volume to maximum, they may be accused of "watching pornography" or it may "become a cover of watching pornography" then I didn't care I was just having so much fun hacking, I am surprised I am not a nerd too, because I have tattoos, and hacker usually don't have tattoos because are nerds, they even commit suicide alot in stories. Are all hackers having a mental sickness as fact?
Doctor didn't let me become popular as a hacker, but I think I'm popular in people's heart and topic because they don't know I'm the hacker of their computer, it's also worldwide making it like they have no conversation with each other and far countries, only inside Law of a type of person that runs porn video with maximum volume exist, then it's me. I'm lucky doctor confirmed I won't have problem with Law if I stop hacking, then I stopped. It's so boring I was just aiming for $20k/mth salary of a hacker job then doctor was heeded only with this as reason then up to over 20 years still no answer, I remember doctor told me if I don't learn by myself other type of hacking courses then I may get the job, then my hand still itch(but I don't learn hacking) to learn hacking, I really want to goal for Android hacking because it's a personal usage, maybe like can get nude photos of people, hahaha, it's so fun, but I guess doctor didn't allow me to learn hacking at all. I wonder what to do, I only have my own skills, and desire botnet to hack into computers and spy their uses in it.
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