Boring Anxious Lonely

Haha I'm so excited of my 2nd day of workz, I imagine my my muscles are strong enough to continue but I really want to be someone working like story of doctor, I really want it to match that I work full month except off day, my energy just now was to just go to work "like a puppet because doctor said so" that I would become psychologist/psychiatrist and by working here first to earn money. He said I will become someone that Solat but I really don't know. Yesterday I wore my Ayatul Kursi necklace and went to work, I'm really happy about my accessories.

I don't know but I still feel like buying Lige Gold Watch, I think I truly match with Gold Colour even if it's Haram, it's just something that match my skin.

It's my 3rd post because it's reaching 11a.m soon I just feel like posting quickly I really wish for some sort of help to appear at my workplace, today is visit of O.T again I think, I feel energized when visited I hope I make a nice history at this place. Its like less than 10 workers at the dishwasher spot so I feel lucky I get a job here, I'm so hungry now I ask my mother if cook, it's because I have to work later then I really think I should eat because yesterday feel like fainting but I just stand up and work, I think lack of food, my entire body ache after work but I think it's getting better now and I hope its normal, I really hope I can drink more often at work but the utensils are continuous.

Yesterday I work extra 15 to 20 mins then shocked of the system timing as 7.35p.m instead, but then I think they knew their timing is something wrong, means somehow I think I will be paid O.T for the 15 mins. It's really a lot of money so I hope I work well here. I miss life like having someone who cares, it's the time to pity me now but people just imagined as having their fingers locked that I work hard instead, tomorrow is last day of the week of work and my 3rd day I hope I really do well for real.

I bought a rain/kitchen boot for work and hope I last long here, like story of doctor, if I really last long maybe I truly will become psychologist/psychiatrist, if 3 months working here doctor recruit me as a nurse in Ward 35A is also good, I really want to be working at there hoping everyone becomes fine and seeing me able to work like a bonus. I remember not remembering my family members even when I take medicines while at ward, I wonder what my mind became, it's a lot of nonsense my mind, maybe because of story that I understand only by definition because I kept losing memory my mother is my mother since baby days, then the word "Mak" as the definition that I understand her as my mother, it's hard as growing up being different and not "special"(cacat), I am sensitive of any schizophrenia symptom by the way, feeling special is something a symptom of schizophrenia so I wrote it like that, a delusional mind thing, then I am different that I see and understand things by words instead of Feelings, something like that I think.

I miss my real skill of money making, which is hacking, then even business, for a secondary to earn $200-$400 from $49.50/mth is really a lot because at that time 1 hour of gaming at cybercafe is only $2/hr, means I didn't feel my rich moment and forced my business partner to give customer back the money because he didn't want to give me profit money, attacking server using botnet was my only choice left so he don't earn my money, then business shutdown sadly, then I kept forgetting I became enemies with him for calling him "Kafir" then I somehow in normal friendship with him in conversation, money really can create people evil and forget their best friend. It's harsh just the first month of profit then I didn't get money then business shutdown at 2nd month and forcing him to not get a single cent by attacking my server so he shutdown the company. It's bad he do this to me, to become a businessman I wasn't successful then I guess.

He still don't know I was the one that attack our own business, then he said "he wanted to steal money then business shutdown he kene balasan", then something like "haha if in future Saman and mintak duit pon berape ratus je mcm orang miskin", he's so bad and evil.

He definitely will be jealous if I became good about computers like can ddos people, it's easy just using botnet like famous hackers attack big companies, but they are stupid for not spying in computer which is even more fun and can't be detected easily.

Sad I see people achieving nicely in life while me only have a miserable history, I still want to do business in my life 1 day, it's really portable ashtrays as something I think that people will buy to evade the $300 Saman of throwing cigarette as litter.